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Kisses and Hugs
My 2 Replies:
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=204061
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...009post2595009
Kisses and Hugs
First Time I Saw Here
So beautiful, every part of her was colored wit perfection.
My eyes showed me a thousand pictures of her reflection.
I felt my stomach drop, as she approached with a smile.
Would walk wit her for miles, her gracious beauty and style.
While I gazed into her eyes, I felt my knees go weak.
At it's peak I thought, destiny and the future we'd meet.
Years Go By
We interlock into wedding, the future now our setting.
Kids come into play, after too many days of sexing.
I love this women, everything we know we have in common.
Every bond, every trust, fucking raw without a condom.
As we raise our kids, to go right in the world today.
I thought there's no way, that anyone can take this girl away.
Disease plagued my wife, like satan, stabbing her wit a knife.
She died of an unknown cause, now she's out my life.
Depression Kills
As time goes by, my kids grow up infront of me as I sighed.
And in my dream, I see scenes of when my wife died.
Life went downhill, was giving blood out for money.
Juss to feed my own self, cause damn I was so hungry.
Then the cops came, took me down in several ways.
Said son "Your under arrest, Cause ya gave blood that had aids"
Feedback People
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I'll have to say you open mic better than you battle, I do too. Anyway the whole concept of your song is nice. It's always good to see something other than violent aggressive shit. Although I'm street like the And 1 Tour, I'm also more versatile than H20.
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nice drop...struture was good and the flow was on point...you had some pretty good multis in there which helped it...vocab wasn't to bad...content was good...I liked the way your story unfolded and how each little verse had a different feel to it...your story unfolded nicely and it kept me wanting to read to see where it was going...I liked how you ended it...nice storytelling, keep up the good work and keep dropping...
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I was feeling this joint, then again, I can be suckered into these story-telling joints about love. I liked the few multis you threw in there. I, personally, like it when emcees use vocabulary that's comprehendible (not having to go searching in the dictionary) so the vocab was on point. Flow was tight. Your story was good and after all these "Trapped In The Closet" type songs coming out, I expected a twist. ;)
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Well atleast this was not a gay ass diss verse.
OK, you did better with this, but still it reads like a kid wrote this. How old are you? My daughter si nine and she can out write this at her age, you didn't make this very elegant or interesting. A peice like this is supposed to be drenched in meaning and emotion, yet your peice was all surface and nothing deep. Weak topical here, not good enough for any of the topical leagues or tournies. You need to reach down and bring out the emotions that are trapt within, using the diction and techniques I've elxplained. Each line could have used something to make it stronger. Your writteres voice is very under developed and needs work. When I saw the structure I thought you were going to come hard on this, but then I got to reading. You setr this up in a way that I like to every once in a while. Reminded me of a verse I dropped against kevin brown int he WoP2 tounrey, strucutre wise it looked similar at first glance. To bad you didn;t use any component of complexity, this was all surface writting, nothing intricate, inovative or original...
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Allright peice i would say vocabulary wuz a lil limited i like the person point perspective but not he topic u decided to rip on.allround good verse i like the insite into the life and strugles the characters went through but none of the verses really impacted me like i would have hoped they would have. they didnt put me into the first person point of view i would have hoped for.
Vocabulary wuz allright basic words but u did have some complicated rhymes in there with a nice flow too. allround i give this a 8/10 keep it up
