Re: My Brother's Kidnapping
Re: My Brother's Kidnapping
This is pretty dope. I liked your word play, like:
Quote:
My heroine is hooked on heroin
Although, "heroine" is a term used when describing a female. Men or heroes and women are heroines.
Other dope wordplay:
Quote:
Should he crash a car or crash a bar
That was just dope.
You had many heartfelt lines that make the reader empathize with your story, like:
Quote:
Spoiled him from the get go, his parents were royal for just giving
Yet he'll steal cash from mother's purse while she cleans toilets for a living
That is just ill and puts the reader right there. At that point, I was into the zone reading the piece.
As the story went along, there was less wordplay and the rhymes fell off a tad, but they were replaced with better content, which kept it nice. The piece seemed to be a little longer than I'd have wanted it. I think you could have gotten the point across with less words, but this was still dope.
This is a breath of fresh air, which tends to happen when nice text cats cross over and don't know the norm, and just create. I see it in guys like you and Seyance, and even when Chrit first started to do topicals. Just do what you feel and don't get into the bullshit box topical cats will try to fit you in. Nice work.
Re: My Brother's Kidnapping
God mutha'fuckin DAMN son this shit was long as hell but worth it all nah mean. this was a nice RAW READ... and i liked how it turned out man....now for my breakdonw to things...
Quote:
Fear is fifty percent of my thought process..
..though I act hard
Proof of nothing but lost progress..
..from his track marks
My heroine is hooked on heroin..
..just part of his high start
And no broken soul could compare to..
..the scars in my heart
nice start nah mean.... it was calm and it lead to something.... liked the fifty percent line.
Quote:
Today arrives another day of lies and fear
This line here disappointed me.. the set up/wording was kind of jagged. i would have went the other route around nah mean from this cause you are saying today then your saying another day of lies and fear... ariive today yet you said another day... maybe if you used a simple comma to break the line is a big difference when it comes to reading it nah mean... cause if it isn't punctuated then i would just read over and over with no stops.
"Today arrives, another day of lies and fear."
Quote:
My mother's eyes are filled with sighs due to his cheap highs and beer
Silent tears from violent years of drug abuse can't be contended
It's been five years as life nears closer to a time of the dreaded
Left unattended, the events in which will take place are unknown
He endures thoughts to atone his actions that distractions post pone
Manipulation so blown out of proportion his sort is so zoned
Plus the high has grown so tall that his actions are sort of condoned
Should he crash a car or crash a bar, the certainty is a mystery
He's in his own world, with no care, plus he's forgotten his history
Pop a pill, stop and spill out the cocaine, get wreckless and spent
Because if he wants a thrill from a drug then he'll go to any extent
Spoiled him from the get go, his parents were royal for just giving
Yet he'll steal cash from mother's purse while she cleans toilets for a living
The drugs have a death grip, a vice you can hardly escape
When using a conscious conscience is rarely formed or seen shaped
He can't be great if he can't see straight, college seemed a waste
4.0, graduated with honors only to disappear without a trace
Obtained the habit in school, a bright pupil until it worsened
He went from straight A's to using them to become another person
One of the most intelligent & benevolent guys who never meant
To fall under a circumstance so prevalent that we'll need something heaven sent
This set a nice tone and vibe for the read man. it covered well for simple errors that are minor... nothing major and anything... some lines i havent seen done before i believe if not mistaken so this to me was somewhat of a fresh read man. loved the proned and drug line you did. niceness.
Quote:
You see it gets hoarse, because the pill depresses his breathing
Although he thinks he's deceiving us, his breathing patterns progress to heaving
That's the sound when we all become an aid, afraid of what's to come
Because abusing drugs is just a process where all your days of living comes to one
It make us numb, the signs that have been placed before his eyes
All the galore of lies couldn't hide our support and he knows this yet he stores his cries
One day we get a call from a local gas station, i felt as cold as a ghost
And low and behold, the attendant found my brother on the floor overdosed
All of our daily fears collide into one nightmare of a moment
It was only a matter of time before he got hooked onto a drug so potent
He's rushed to the hospital, I can't even go, I couldn't stand the sight
Drugs literally had a death grip on my brother so I couldn't hold his hand that night
He dodged death, and his thought process changed for a time
He texted me from the ER expressing how he wanted to make the climb
He wanted to quit the life he was leading, look towards something better
Then apologized to me for letting us down, I even saved the letter
I prayed daily and nightly, that he'd resist any temptation
But without the proper assistance drugs can break any focus or concentration
Months go by, he's using here and there, not quite as frequent
But still to the point he'd receive his paycheck on Friday, and on Satuday be spent
I lent him money weekly, thousands of dollars on lunch for my brother
Only to find out a year later that he was receiving lunch money from my mother
Manipulating anyone he can to get some cash, a fiend in need of a cure
My parents & my family couldn't be unsure, that eventually he'd be obscure
If it wasn't drugs, it was alternatives, alcohol in excess
He was at the beach one day drinking all day which came another consequence
He was too drunk to drive, but his girlfriend threw him the keys
Got all the way to our neighborhood but couldn't dodge the trees
Yet again he cheated death, and even a DUI wasn't appointed
And although he totalled the car, he kept drinking that night and seemed to enjoy it
A few months later, it's getting worse, he's not just snorting pills
He's shooting up anything he can find, soaring high and ignoring bills
On a daily basis me and my mom fear what may happen, yet we can't stop it
He's so negligent and wreckless that we'd find syringes in his pants' pockets
He's in his twenties living at home, my mother won't turn her back on him
We've turned to doctors and rehab & explained the effects that it had on him
Nobody has a clear answer, and the solutions are in well doubt
Because the only rehab they can admit him to is one where he can check himself out
Three in the morning, I hear a strange breath by the bathroom door
I call his name and get no answer, I just know his backs to the floor
I knock and I scream his name, I'm in fear of an ugly death
And still I get no answer, all I hear is a struggling breath
I yell for my mom, she already knows. I could never be misconstrued
I kick down the door, he's layin unconscious with a broken syringe & some blues
My mother's distraught, her scream still pierces my right ear drum
I'm trying to keep everybody calm, I know he's got a pulse though I can't hear one
Fuckin ill here. loved this whole particular part here dude. it showed well your wording and assertion of content being detailed man. you had great emotion and i felt like this was on some real shit here dude. You put me in a place where i could easily understand and i maintained a sick interest in this cause your read and storytelling was great dude.... nice shit here man...glad you still got what it takes dude and i see the difference in yoru writing i have read from you before dude... our collab will be dope i just have to start on it lmfao....
Pz.
Re: My Brother's Kidnapping
Nominates for HoF and Legends.
I really loved this open mic. And I'm not goin' to break it down like the other two did. But I will let you know my full on opinion. This is by far the best Open Mic I've seen dropped in the year of 2009 so far. Like Chris Black said, "a breath of fresh air!" I personally loved the opening stanza and how you brought it over to finish the piece as well. I was drawn in from start to finish and have no qualms at all about this work of art. Wording was on a whole new level from what RB's seen lately and that's amazing. Emotion was very well put and we could tell you felt it as much as we do. Imagery, real fuckin' solid mate. Keep writing, this was great work. Much love brotha.
Re: My Brother's Kidnapping
Wow, this was an amazing OM.
Imagery and transitions in this piece were perfect, I could really picture exactly what you were describing and feel the tense fear just by reading through it.
He dodged death, and his thought process changed for a time
He texted me from the ER expressing how he wanted to make the climb
He wanted to quit the life he was leading, look towards something better
Then apologized to me for letting us down, I even saved the letter
This shit really got at me and made me really connect with the point of the song, it really helps me understand your feelings.
Great piece all the way through, I was going to pick out individual bars that were sick but there are too many to pick from so I'll just have to say mad props on this one.
Re: My Brother's Kidnapping
Wow, really appreciate the feedback. Means a lot to me given the circumstances are true. Thanks for the nomination, Soule. That's what I was going for.
Re: My Brother's Kidnapping
Dude that was insane, and it was really really deep i could feel how you felt i kinda went through tha same thing
Peace
Re: My Brother's Kidnapping
Really sick drop... flow and structure where definitely good here... Also really good vocab... What i liked the most though was how you could almost feel the emotions as you read through the piece... partly do to some sick imagery and just the way you ordered the words... Really sick verse bro keep it up!
Re: My Brother's Kidnapping
uppin this for my dude....this is not to get slept on man...
Re: My Brother's Kidnapping
He dodged death, and his thought process changed for a time
He texted me from the ER expressing how he wanted to make the climb
He wanted to quit the life he was leading, look towards something better
Then apologized to me for letting us down, I even saved the letter
I prayed daily and nightly, that he'd resist any temptation
But without the proper assistance drugs can break any focus or concentration
Months go by, he's using here and there, not quite as frequent
But still to the point he'd receive his paycheck on Friday, and on Satuday be spent
The multi's you used were seamless and the storytelling was not far from perfect here....I was really liking how it seemed like he was gonna stop but in the end he wouldn't and y'all never turned your back on him...
cause a person like me would've lost hope for him.....
you wrote with tons of emotion here....dopeness.
Re: My Brother's Kidnapping
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...tz-394944.html
here ya go token.. enjoy.. me, jonathon, & baron p mortuus...
alright so.. feedback.. *reads*
So here I am, i'm shaking in fear & left with no breath
Standing there as witness to my own brother and mother's slow death
I do what I can to keep in piece, I kept from breaking down in two
Thank God my brother made it through that night, and my mother did too
My brother was kidnapped by drugs, & I hate to say here
That my family and I still live an everlasting, day to day fear
^^^god damn. that was really good.. I like the metaphorical meaning behind the mother dying.. that's really dope. the entire read had nice lines like this all over it.. it's a cliche' concept imo, but you managed to cover all bases on this thing. your flow was flawless imo.. nothing tripped at all for me except maybe that little chorus you had going, read off sort of awkward to me though the lines in it meant a great deal and were key to the read... definitely a one of a kind token, hadn't got around to reading this and I saw a lot of hype around it - now I see why! thanks for the read my dude.. enjoyed it. don't be a stranger and start writing more over in these parts!
peace..
Re: My Brother's Kidnapping
Really appreciate all of the feedback guys. Hoping to get some more.
Re: My Brother's Kidnapping
Real nice piece, alot of parts that was real dope here, real harsh ending, which is always good creates alot of tension,
'should he crash a car or crash a bar' - loved it!
Overall, really good peice here,
RTF if you can..
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...od-395149.html
Re: My Brother's Kidnapping
Thanks guys, i'll try to RTF asap. been pretty busy.
peep this when you get the chance and drop ur vote.
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...ng-394229.html