SSR Week Five: A Disciple (1-3) vs Spoken (2-2) (SPOKEN)

50 Lines.
Due Saturday, 11:59PM PT.
Votes Due Monday, 11:59AM PT.
Giving y'all more time so shit might finish on time.

Challenge Week!
http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthre...13#post8953813

@Spoken
vs
@A Disciple
vs
@143

so ive decided...


to let the wind churn
while the dust settled.
breaking the mold yearned
and inhabiting the devil.
told to practice what i preach
and reap what i sow.
i started driving down the street
and begun buying my clothes.
whens the noose being let loose
and stop being favorable,
first choice for most of the minds
when life's darkest becomes insatiable.
tell me im fine, tell me I’m outta time,
show me the river end
where my body can hide.
lend me the rippers tide and let me go
best not know where these burdens would grow
past subsides and suddenly i'm reminded to cry.
its evident- ive lost my mind
but have i lost my touch.
i whisper all nonchalant but the skies too rough.
no sunshine for the hecklers left scarred and bruised,
because our minds are stuck and left broken; confused
counterfeit ruse; cashiers can tell the difference
Of keeping it a buck… but not you.
Ive drawn the few outcomes
That my life could unfold.
Separate nodes; same roads
a fork through the course we abort
But choose to bestow.
.
.
.
Reminiscing of bumps and scars
were just half the mess,
a time when we were just kids
living through our happiness.
Late night laughter beside
the grass that kept growing,
As the wind would shade within
and carve our melatonin.
Acidity as our high sipping away like fine wine,
Amongst royalty;
we died once before our stride.
Leap of faith or faith to be leaped from,
The incessant rapport
Began our insatiable divide.
Twice the growth
We knew only of what we had to know.
Passion broke and we became
The distant valor of woes.
Two cups for the blow
Packets of particles weighed evenly
One for you and the other a clone.
There laid in the snow,
an angel so mistified in glow.
Cabernet cloaked, you could smell
Last nights show.
Artificial is what our feelings had shown,
For the last time I thought
I would be laying you down
Yet here I stand befuddled without a crown
Because you took that hope.
.
.
.
I said I thought it was the last time
That I would lay you down gently.
Now I find myself miserable
Releasing the straps…
…hoping someone would get me.
Brace me with the strength
To be firm and let this continue,
Rest in peace my best friend
From this moment I find
In consolement of how it feels

To miss you.

In loving memory of Joanne Park
-James Cortez

3 Shots to the VV

You know the old song “Listen to your Heart”
It came on the radio right before I dropped off my ex and I sang my favorite part
He asked me to give his friend a ride around the corner
I remember exactly how he look as I still try to warn her
He said he was going to see his mom at work
He seemed friendly, I wasn’t put off guard by the young ass jerk
We pulled in and there were no cars in the office parking lot
I asked him if he was sure she was working or not
He got out, then a second later I was in Norwalk it was all grey and I heard 3 muffled bangs
Speed of sound – 6 months later I realized it was 3 shots - now here the rest of the shit that all the money brings…
I thought the car ran out of gas so I left it in the middle of the road and walked home
Stuck in that apartment where for weeks my soul would roam
But this where it hurts…
A few nights prior when I was getting dressed an angel told me it would be my funeral
But even to this day I still have no regrets
I mean how do I explain this coherently when I only get split seconds or a fear in me
The 2 seconds I got there from that night…
Second One – of the meal he prepared when I was sleeping as he woke me up to take a bite
Second Two – waking up and grabbing his hand as I said finally – something I can feel that wasn’t fake or phony just peace and comfort thru all of me
When I woke up the next morning I didn’t remember the night before
I wondered why both packs of cigs were open as I was humming out the door
(My father always pointed out how I would hum and sing – that’s when he knew I was content and happy)
So out my door to the lobby but there was my ex with his mom – with the police too
Lying saying I wrote a suicide note - convenient and repetitive at least
But they dragged me to mental and there wasn’t nothing I can do
I woke up so retarded in mental I couldn’t even figure out how to dial the phone
I wasn’t even sick this time and I’m so tired of getting hit legally and alone
You stupid dumb ass bitch, I’m pretty sure the shooter was your baby daddy
Someone I treated like family trying to put me in that black caddy?
My ex picked me up from the hospital and we barely spoke a word home
Day 1 maybe it was day 2 before they tried to send my soul to roam
So like here comes the 3 bangs again and all these scenes are switching
And I’m in my apartment as my ex came home wishing – WITH HIS DAUGHTER
Now I’m not the one to take likely to slaughter but you set me up while your kid is there?
And I’m not too scared to write this – cause I am that crazy bitch at the end of the song “Beware”
Just scenes constantly changing – that’s what death was like and strange colors
Realizing you can see them but only a few see you and others
I stood prisoner in that apartment as ghost watching my ex say his prayer
“I don’t really like Mary but…” and all I could do was just look at him and stare
Death was fine… but I still have lots to do… I came back to fix my family
I assume as a result of some of you
And like… I came home from the hospital 5 weeks later on Nov 4
But when my step dad put the mattress over the window to move me out I freaked out, stole my moms car, called the police and told them I was driving north
There they met me… in Wilton I think
I went back in so you see there is no way in hell I could’ve posted that
Close enough to know I was out but too far to hear the call back to combat
Like forrest… “that’s all I really have to say about that”
Jumped on the site looking so insane and stupid – searching for survivors to show me the ropes not some dumb ass cupid
There’s so much more to it, but I only get 50 lines
In the ambulance, the cop said I fell out the car saying Me? Shoe?
So I had to rethink that… at least 50 times

Spoken - beautifully written, short bars but they said a lot. I liked the bit in the first verse where the bars got longer but your use of punctuation did it’s job effectively for the cadence of reading so it didn’t drag out and read fluidly. At the start I thought this was going to be a suicide piece but im always glad when im proved to be wrong and it was a fitting tribute. Lovely work

Disciple - the story was pretty well narrated however it read a little bit choppy, I’d also recommend brushing up on your vocab a little to make it sound more intelligent and poetic, it doesn’t necessarily make it so but it gives that vibe off

V/spoken

Spoken - this was amazing. It flowed so well and I loved the short poetic style of lines. The emotion was raw and the rhymes were smart and different. This is probably my favorite piece I’ve read this week.

Disciple - if this were more focused and polished it would’ve faired much better. The story flows but the lines don’t really flow and it made it hard to read at times without hiccups.

V/ Spoken

Spoken, beautiful read and I'm truly sorry for your loss. It's not something I look forward to in my own life and I can only imagine the pain you had both when it happened and when you wrote this. Definitely a powerful, emotional piece here. Second stanza and your ending were probably my favorite parts. A few syllables issues or wording issues here and there but nothing I want to point out as it was a personal piece from the heart. Props and again, my sincerely sympathies.

Disciple. So. Based on the theme. I'd say you did a much better job telling a story than your opponent. Lots of imagery. Lots of narrative lines. A lot of what we've come to expect from you. Technically speaking though, this was the lesser verse as far as rhyme scheme, wording issues, grammatical issues, syllable count, and all the basic pieces of a topical are concerned. You did a great job with the theme, but got outclassed by a stronger, more toned poet .

Pretty easy battle imo, appreciate both for showing up and swinging for the fences. I got spoken here with the KO.

Yeah this was a cool match. I like seeing disciple’s progression with her writing. The description and details of Dis’s piece are all there, it’s the polish of the schemes and the rhymes and maybe removing things that feel like oversimplifications and seem like extra in a story that doesn’t need extra? Like putting (brackets like this to explain random things and dropping the rhyme schemes) then jumping back into rhyming throws things off a little. Your content is great. You put a lot of yourself into your writing and anybody who reads your lounge thread can probably see that…

Spoken you had a elegantly written drop! Super poetic and smooth. The dedication to your friend at the end was a great touch and made the piece feel whole and more complete to me than your opponents. There was a primary focus and an emotional connection to your piece that made it fulfilling to read front to back. I enjoyed it! Not much else to say than it was a well written drop and you won it.


Vote Spoken