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The Ship Wreck
long ago we floated on draft wood
innovations designed by those that could
generations before us built something titanic
i panic the future will lead us stranded
we preserved the boat hoping not to rock it
making modifications where we saw fit
but those who come next will flip this ship upside down
we'll drown in the drain they flush us down
to swim as well as a penguin flies
capsized, life flash before our eyes
this is my prediction
and i hope it's fiction
@Emily
Nice one trajik. What I love about this is it's obvious smooth flow.
Also, I appreciate how you don't need to use spot on rhymes but can get away
with near rhymes at the end of your sentences. Imo, it doesn't take away from the
piece at all and shows what a master crafter of wording you are.
I like how everything doesn't have to be perfect and yet the overall effect is pretty
close to it.
Also, your language and the words you used were well thought out. You had 'ocean words'
and by keeping that family of words evident and alive in this piece you were able to draw a
deeper atmosphere and create a thicker mood because of that consistency in tone.
A nice clean piece with a cool intro and body. The outro came as a surprise.
I didn't expect it, but it made me smile, I liked it's reality.
'I hope it's fiction' I thought was a nice way to tie up this little tale of
sea-side symphonies.
Nice one my friend.
Do it again.
lol
Cool Read.
Gotta say woah, as I read this two lines really stood out to me at first read:
generations before us built something titanic
i panic the future will lead us stranded
Well done. Love how you used titanic figuratively and literally. I mean you used titanic in order to say something huge, but also to validate your point that as time passes things done before us get altered and modified. That was masterfully done. I got a sense of hopelessness and desperation reading this, as if you're thinking (but not saying) what's the point of creating something if over time someone will just make something better and make what I've created useless. Maybe not useless but less significant. Mechanically this was well written was a breeze to go through. Thought the ending was simple, yet great. This is my prediction, hope it's fiction. Seems like there's some doubt in what you're saying. Like if you don't really believe it. Powerful stuff man. Thanks for making me think lol
Disclaimer:
I don't really read a lot of powers and maybe I'm picking on up on things you didn't intend to say and are thinking wtf is this dude on as you read my feed? But that's the interpretation I got and what it made me feel / think.
Dope shit my brother
you have a knack for poetry pulling some aspects from your topical skill. The word choices blended the emotions to make me feel insecure about some things in my life. the one thing that stands out is how vulnerable the character claims to calm his nerves and try to move on with less mistakes as possible. That feeling with the representation of proven mistakes in security makes this poem brighter, bigger. Then asking hope to be a shield from danger and strife also worked in your favor as to giving this poem an ending that we all wonder what's next, Brillant