"They're All Gonna Laugh At You"

I'm just so happy to please you!

My frown? Oh, nevermind that,
My make-up just seems to be running.

But wait, here... Watch this.

H-how come you're not laughing?
Wait, w-wait, this is sure to get you going...

No? Why not? Why don't you like me!?

I-is it my make-up? God, FUCKING MAKE-UP!
It's... It's just never right is it?! Hold on...

My God! WHY ISN'T IF FUCKING FIXING!
NO NO! STOP CRYING YOU'RE MAKING IT WORSE!

GOD DAMMIT!

You're so worthless, you know that right?
They're never going to laugh at you now.
Who the fuck pays to see this...

A depressed jester, wow... WAY TO FUCKING GO!

The audience hates, you know that right?
Look into their beady little eyes.
DON'T YOU FOR A SECOND LOOK AWAY!
NO! DON'T YOU FUCKING DARE!

Some performer, look at you, cant even stand it.
They sense you know... Your panic;
OH LOOK THEEEEEEEEERE'S A SMILE!

BUT IT'S NOT FOR YOU!
NO YOU RETARD NO IT'S NOOOOOOT!!

They're laughing at you...
You're just so fucking pathetic
I hope you hear them now,
You got your wish you, FUCKING RETARD!

... They're finally laughing.

i honestly thought this was a mess this wanst a creative poem to me the vocab was weak and you didnt put together any type of good rhymes nor metaphors this was weak it wouldve been better if you wouldve actually put some thought together with this and made it more interesting

Hm, really. I was just trying to explore the insecurities of a human being... The best example in my opinion being a jester. The piece was supposed to just inspire alot of emotion and feelings of despair and insecurity. But, I guess everyone has their own interpretation. Sorry you didn't really like it.

Interesting character to get into the mind of. What the joker said to himself fit the perceived desperation of the situation. It was good that you waited a bit before you identified the character as a jester. Good ending.
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=270738

Hmmm... The emotion in this piece was extrodinary... i was reallly shocked at the emotional output i got when i was reading this... i really enjoyed reading it the imagery wasnt that bad either.. i liked your explanation very well and your piece was well put together...

if you could hit my newest piece up wouldbe much appriciated...

20 Minute Piece(inner Anguish

Didn't like it.

It was too basic. The Jester is a good concept, but the tone was over-dramatic and it made the poem almost cheesy/annoying. I wasn't impressed by your syntax either. I like that you experimented though, it's always good to try something different. Imagery was horrible. I usually like your imagery, I think this was something you did rather quickly. Well, hope you keep elevating man. Good luck.

For me, the path of which you chose to explore this concept was great with the jester and you can see that you are trying to incorperate alot of emotion into it, but it just didnt click.Im kind of split 50/50 on wether this was a good piece or not because like i said i didnt think you executed it well BUT the idea of this was refreshing and with a bit of work im sure you could most deffinitly make this into a fantastic piece
With the swearing to create a sense of emotion, i feel as if a few 'Fuck's' etc etc here and there can be made to work, but in this piece there was alot of it and i think that contributed to the downfall of this piece... and also the repetetivness didnt work for me..
Hopefully you can see what i mean.. and im sure you can take a bit of critisism, seen you write a lot better before

The syntax wasn't very well choreographed I thought, I know where you were coming from with your idea and the sort of effect you were trying to achieve but I thought you could have portrayed your emotions alot better through use of metaphors and vivid imagery. It seemed to be more of a rant than a poem, kind of like a vent for anger which you, yourself may be feeling inside without realising it - I know that sounds like I'm cross analysing you - but it is true that a good writer will leave a little part of themselves in between the lines, be it a theory or even an emotion. The fact the character was a jester gave the poem sort of a satirical twist, I'm trying to work out myself if it was more ironic than satirical actually...hmm. In future I would try to use some more colourful language, really go for it full belt with the vocabulary, because ideas and the portrayal of those ideas are central to the composition of origional writing. Overall a nice little burst of emotion which could have been carried a long way.

I usually do use more imagery and such... The past few poems I've done are just strives for something different. Thanks for the feedback though.