SSR Week 4: Slayerr (1-2) vs Echelon (1-2) vs A Disciple (1-2)

30 lines (triple threat rules)
Due Friday, 11:59PM PT.
Votes Due Sunday, 11:59PM PT.

@Slayerr.
vs
@Echelon
vs
@A Disciple

Down in a Hole

I’m the size 16 down in the hole while buffalo bill shrinks my fat for skin
I guess her dick got tucked behind her mole cause I’m somewhere between lost and nothin
I ain’t lying peep the way her dog’s name was precious…
And when she would call him I’d laugh cause it was all so fictictous
But to be real… it’s probably why I don’t use lotion –
But really why all the commotion? (Kung Fu voice)
I’m really starting to wonder why it’s lightening without thunder
And they all caught up on …
Tell me… what was the blunder? (Kung Fu voice)
Time to put on your thinking cap… You must pretend to take a nap! (Kung Fu voice)
Cause who said who was over there and then they said that and now I don’t care
Jimmy crack corn but porn? Nah give it back right there
It was Brittany to cut off her hair
I was the one who never left the house without underwear
Like Jay say… “my dad got a nut and got a nut in” – WHAT? (KF)
I’m just so caught up in charades – but get it right I was a THOT not a slut
You do it for what? (Kung Fu voice)
I got a lot riding on this butt… I got it from my mama
But now cause of this undercover slut - I’m so caught up in all this drama
Cause she did that and she went ho, then they blame my rims and say I’m the distro
Oh hell no…
It’s just brujah there C (Kung Fu voice)
A bunch of white girls acting Spanish cause of the sexual injection it be (Kung Fu voice)
Think positive, don’t be so down on the pencil (Kung Fu voice)
All I do is write dark… but tracing not the utensil
Listen bu prick sull (devil echo voice)
I mean - that’s just another brick sould (Kung Fu voice)
But I’m not the one that ever told it’s like they just some fungus like a mold
Time to think – lets go to the bar and drink bananas banjees (Kung Fu voice)
I tried... 99 bananas couldn’t get this shit spent, Nickel please, they just riding along, riding my soul kissing my hands, rubbing my knees - it all feels like just some sick disease!

+ Hating ass bitches

- - - Updated - - -

That stay down on thier knees

Uncharted

His attitude to girls has been derogatory one too many times
On this winter night the red blooded male has done too many lines
Elevated dopamine heightens his all too common delusions
Creating illusions of his entitlement disregarding prudence
Hands hidden in his pocket is a locket from his all too recent ex
Wounds still raw he can’t bring himself to drop it, but what did she expect?
Who the fuck denies him sex? Isn’t that what girlfriends are for?
Sure he over reacted, but how could she resist his allure?
A comedowns emerging, realising she’s all he lives for
Guilt overwhelms the cocaine and he gives her a call


The pink iPhone’s vibrations rippling through the puddle of blood
Crippling…her eyes akin to rock pools as the tears start to flood
Incessant shaking destabilising her limbs and mind
Adolescents are far too young to succumb to this nature of crime
Only fourteen, thought she was lost in a cool scene and slick
Bunking off school, more keen to ride in her boyfriends whip
Unable to rise to his expectations she tried to wear high heels
Dressing in a fashion she didn’t suit, but couldn’t deny the thrills
Of playing close to fire, teasing his burning desire blind to the light
Blissfully unaware of how vile men can be, it wouldn’t happen to me…right?

So they had a fight, she wouldn’t consent, his frustration couldn’t wait another day….
Uncharted no more, no longer pure today
Her innocence stolen in the most disgusting way

Disciple, still using a lot of the same mistakes. Like incoherent direction and unnecessary actions. A topical and song lyrics aren't the same thing. So when you say stuff like (kung fu voice) it's just awkward and throws off the flow of things. If you're gonna write songs, make music, but a topical is reaching out of your comfort zone and telling a story, either about your life or something fictional based on the topic. So, those actions just gonna hurt your writing. Dig deep and try writing something different next time would be the best advice I can give you.

Slayer, I dunno fam. This concept has been down A LOT. I've done it. Nash has done it. Truth has done it. Spoken has done it. The only way this could've been saved is if you dropped some crazy technical piece and I didn't think you reached that caliber here. This piece needed multies and a deeper depth of emotion to really reach out from the norm. Luckily for you, Disciple dropped more of her usual, so you still getting my vote, but if this was against anybody else who dropped this week you might've fell short bruh.

Vote Slayerr for the slightly better written. Thanks for showing, y'all.

Disciple you gotta listen to what we are giving you as it helps you to develop your writing and evolve yourself as a writer with the basic mechanics. I love the way you creatively put it on paper but you need not to mention annotations of the story like it’s a script and em actually find yourself more like describing the scenario you are currently in. Slayerr. None less of what is expected you came with some crisp angles and nice algorithms with the flow and story going well with your diction bro but like what Soule said man this really has been done a thousand and one times too many with same ordeal or angle but the writing itself clean regardless the take

AD:the visuals were incoherent at times. I had to read it twice to rely get what you were talking about. I also think that if you separated the different directions in your piece like the kung fu voice instead of one verse it cold give cues that would clear you message from it being a rant..

Slay: you brought a strong drop. With your topic I felt it gave you a world to present and you decide to talk about Rhode Island (no diss to islanders). As usual your technical side maintain the direction and flow and deftly crafted a piece that you knew it would win.

Vote Slay

Slayerr wins 3-0.