Original Composition

[Savir]

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=116797
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=116971




"Yawn!!!...I'm bored..you simply wasting my time
unaimaginable fucks..attempt to steal at my shine
oh well...this is Greg...and yes..i'm pretty dope
my composition is so-so..but eh..still better than most
Real shit...hit u off with stories u never heard
yes...right now i sound wack...but thats my word"

click-
Swift Motion, Fluids Flow...Arroused by the Sensual Feeling
Longevity's Abrubt..he's Made his Mark For Perpetual Healing
Raw Type, No Holding Back..No Remorse or Regret
Intent to Breed Life..Every Stroke He Fathers a Step
Slow and Caressed, Heart Pumping, Pulse Jumps, Eyes of Emotion
Stare At His Subject...It Somehow Seems to Control Him
He Remains Focused, Deep Down He Knows this Mission Needs Completion
For Whatever Reason....He Stops...In Disbelief And
Looks Ahead At What's to Come, What He's Willing to Manifest
What'll Boost When He's Down....What'll Kill em When at his Best
click-

"Halfway there mind works iller than most
copy cat fucks can never feel what i wrote
im on another level, sittin still in my sole cloud
my ideas float me high..can never be fought down
my trajectory's bleek, the type most cant fathom
they dream to be vivid..throw the rest of this at em"

click-
But He Shakes It Off...Thoughtful Kiss and Regains Composure
The Climax of His Acts Begin to Inch Closer and Closer
He Can Feel It..So can His Love, The Pleasure Intoxicates
The Results are Systematic..so He Thinks Out the Box In Case
What if this Fails? Would This Be Another Trashed Attempt?
Or Would he And Others Finally Be Able To Grasp the Effects?
A sudden Rush.. He Jerks, His Love Shoots em An Admiring Look
At Last He's Done, Scripting The Final Pages In His Book
He's Birthed a Form, Organs Powered The Life Seeps Through His Nose
Both Their Heart's Beat...As His Imagery is So Uniquely Composed
click-

*sigh*.."look what i've done, even got myself stumped
i should just scribble it out, trashed and have the rest dumped
tossed in sewage, but nah...this is my own form of music
others crossed my chapter, but happened to skip through it
im glad they did...they just woulda tainted my tradition
i guess thats the beauty of original composition"



PS...im not Greg...

[SMZ]

sorry - double post

[SMZ]

I like - Flow was nice, vocab was good. Definitely liked the imagery. Nice the way you stepped back to third person too. Didn't really see the rhyme in these lines though:
"What if this Fails? Would This Be Another Trashed Attempt?
Or Would he And Others Finally Be Able To Grasp the Effects?"
Keep writing. Hit something in my sig if you can, preferably Lamentations.

[Vokal Rights]

I get the rhyme...

"What if this Fails? Would This Be Another Trashed Attempt?
Or Would he And Others Finally Be Able To Grasp the Effects?"

It doesnt rhyme, you just say it differently.....Its a good piece and i enjoyed reading it, you gotta good flow and some nice rhymes...keep it up...peace.

[Savir]

thanks....uppin....will do smz

[Savir]

yeah its long...take ur time...

[FreeThinker]

i liked this. Acctualy i was going to write something simmilar, along the same lines. I liked how when you click you turn it up a noch gave it a nice tempo i feel. Your vocab was good, flowed pretty good structure could use some work i feel. What can i say the imagery was what made this piece as it painted the picture for the reader. props to you man

plz return the fev
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=117149

[SmokaJoka]

damne....pretty good piece.....u had nice vocabulary, flow, but some of this kinda lost me honestly...lol.....your structure was good all throughout....here's the part that i liked the most....

Best Lines Of Verse:

Originally Posted by Savir
my trajectory's bleek, the type most cant fathom
they dream to be vivid..throw the rest of this at em"

click-
But He Shakes It Off...Thoughtful Kiss and Regains Composure
The Climax of His Acts Begin to Inch Closer and Closer
He Can Feel It..So can His Love, The Pleasure Intoxicates
The Results are Systematic..so He Thinks Out the Box In Case

^straight up felt this....nice flow all throughout...good vocabulary once again....and actually a good use of multis......imagery was a bit vague....some emotion was here....

Multis - very good
Vocab - very good
Flow - very good
Structure - excellent
Imagery - ok
Emotion - good
Overall - nice piece once again.....work on making a bit more sense and not losing your reader.....other than that i gotta say good work....

Rating
8/10

peace

[Savir]

uppin so u foos can leave links

[Savir]

meh....

[State_of_Mind]

i liked where you were going wtih this, but i wasnt really feelin ya boi...i thought the first italics thing shouldnt be there and it sort of through off the whole thing...favorite drop
"What if this Fails? Would This Be Another Trashed Attempt?
Or Would he And Others Finally Be Able To Grasp the Effects?" - i felt ya on that one even though it didnt rhyme...keep it up buh i would suggest you take out the opening