Lost

[Thrust]

In deep wonders...Continuously sinking
Feel my pressence...But left thinking
Present physically...Though absent-minded
My actual self...Still yet to find it
Shadowed & blinded...Where am I
Unvisible to my eyes...But still hear the cries
A helpless plea...Cuz it's always denied
Not succesful...So why continue to try
It's not a vague scene...Or a picture
I'm not seen...Flustered in this mixture
Quit searching...Now i'm left astray
Pushed aside...Without knowing i pass their way
Tip the glass...But nothing slithers out
A troubled soul...With a frantic pout
A planted seed...It's yet to spout
A quiet tone...That isn't heard aloud
An occurance around...Remains uknown
The sculptured faced...Isn't shown
Left all alone...At an amounting cost
I was here...But now I'm lost

[Marek]

this peice was nice! to me, only thing i was wondering is if u meant it to rhyme purposely or what,
cause poems doesn't always have to rhyme,
but i think u meant it to...

anyways, the imagery in this was very well brought out, and it definitly shined,
the content was a little confusing at first man,
but then i re-read it, and i was like whoa!..i finally understood the meaning you was trying, to portray in this peice.
overall this was a real nice read. best poem i've read today dude, props.

return the favor

http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=118082

[Shooter77]

man nice shit very poetic
it makes u wonder

[B-Lo Fifty]

This is a real nice poem. It had good meaning and was real deep. I liked the rhyming too. This poems had me thinking. Good Job.

[Thrust]

anymore feedback please
this is my 1st so i need to know what i need 2 improve on

[Spoken]

i liked the feel to this poem, the way it sounds when you read it, it flows real well, just a few lines i noticed were a bit off, but they are small, and hardly noticed. the concept of the poem is one alot of ppl can relate to, and is one thats written about a bit, but i liked the way you put the feeling, kept me interested and had its uniqueness. the vocab was great and so was the structure. i really like the way this flowed. LOVE YOU TOO!

T

[Penskills]

You told me the shi* was only six lines short! That's the only reason I followed the link!
*Bastard*..Anywho...This was certainly an enjoyable read..

[Freeman]

Enjoyable..

Erm..

It doesnt need to rhyme in this section.. Supposedly it leaves it open for more creativity.. Which is 100% true..

Poetry is an amazing way of expressing feelings.. You did that well.. And in a nice short number of lines..

Now, my good sir, I bid you goodnight..

[Bounce]

For your first drop, I must say this was good. Like filed mentioned this message is one many people can relate to. The structure could have used a little complexity, you know a more encrypted approach. The ryhme scheme here did make for a good flow, as some have pointed out this is not always a good thing, but in this drop it fits well. Over great first poetic scriptures drop, you will only improve. Try to weave that complexity into your strucutre, work with multiple ryhme schemes in one drop, keeps the reader on his toes...

Keep at it...
~Bounce~

[ßÁߥ GîR£ "£"]

damn this is your first drop?? this was real good I love you choice of words and your message was clear...great drop homie

[Thrust]

thanks for all the feedback guys/ladies
yes this was my 1st... but i do topicals so it isn't that drastic of a change
still up for more feed back

[phoenix808]

I didn't read anyone else's feedback so if I repeat anything, my bad

DAMN, you better keep posting if this was your first drop. I would have loved for my first drop to have been this good. The imagery you put in this poem was awesome, it takes you on a ride so you don't know what's happening, a little, then it ties everything up nice and tidy with the closing. A little bit of stumble with the rhymes near the end but that's alright. I'd pick a favorite line but the entire peice was so good. Very nice.
Peace

[Thrust]

i don't think my piece was as good as your saying?
be hell i'll accept it.........
anyone wanna tell me what i need to work on?

[mcBUtiful]

that was ill. you have a lot of talent. keep writing.

[Thrust]

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