Right Place...Wrong Time

[Lingwistik]

…It was 1984…a young mother conceived a child…
…She perished …never to see her baby smile…
…this newborn was a crack-baby…it nearly died…
…but with a continuous battle…it kept its self alive…
…after months of caring…the infant was released…
…taken in soon by the hands…of a convent’s single priest…
…throughout his childhood…he followed God…
…hoping to get accepted…in the heavens abroad…
…on his first day of school…his father walked him in…
…the priest said to his child…”remember not to sin”…
…with those four words…he remained out of trouble…
…never got into drugs…never caught up in the struggle…
…a few more years’ later…junior year in high school…
…he got straight A’s…he abided by the rules…
…he got accepted into Yale…and on graduation day…
…he advanced to get his diploma…when he heard somebody say…
…”everybody get down…nobody move…
…all of you wanna stay alive…then all keep your cool”…
…when he heard those words…he turned around…
…he heard a shot…the next moment he fell to the ground…
…the crowd screamed…the priest started to cry…
…saying to himself…”why did my son have to die”…
…as his son was falling…the son remembered his father…
…and after a few seconds…his vision got darker…
…when he opened his eyes…he caught a glimpse of the gate…
…he looked down on his father…and told him to wait…

please give feedback

[Spoken]

i found that the story to this was good, but i thought it didnt have enough story to it, could use more detail to make it stronger, everything seemed to fly by too fast. other then that i found the vocab was strong, the struture and flow were good, details that were there were done well, content just needs more.

T

[Lingwistik]

thanx alot man for the feedback, imma def take this into consideration

uppin

[Marek]

yea this peice was decent. only thing i didn't really like was the topic itself. it has been done,
many times before.
anyways...you told the story very well, that is what made it interesting. you also had good usage,
of vocabulary...etc..you know what im sayin.
your imagery wasn't bad, but i aslo didn't see any deep, or real meaning in this peice. ya feel me.
nonetheless, your content was on point. and i def like that in a poem.
overall, this was a kool read.
props man.

...............return the favor................

http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=118556

................return the favor................

[K.I.D.]

Nice piece Flo. The topic probably has been done before but i liked how you put it. It coulda been a little more in depth but other than that everything was good. you used ya vocab right and in parts were it didnt jupm too fast there was a sense of visual in it. Altogether though a good one.

[Lingwistik]

thanx for the feedback homie

uppin

[FaceFuckaMidget.]

topic was a little weak....but deleivery was dope......voacb was so-so........it might have been a bit long....but mostly enjoyable........over average peice......but not extravagant......keep em coming