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Thread: Prison and Betrayal

  1. #1
    hasta la victoria siempre
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    Prison and Betrayal

    This is a piece I wrote for the RSTL championship against 16 consecutive champion Tali Rodriguez, which I surprisingly LOST by one vote. Enjoy.
    http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...72#post5211072
    http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...78#post5211078

    The New York City prison stood tonight quietly
    with big men dreaming,
    as they fight silently…with nightmares reminding em
    of throats they sliced violently.
    But a peaceful man sat through the night silently
    in his little cell, asking God…
    “Why’s the world fighting me?”
    Courts gave round to the past,
    and they found him at last
    His nightmares became real when cops surrounded his ass
    Both arms broke when they tackled him to the grass
    And his bones snapped into four pieces
    cuz he got hit where it cracks
    So in light of these acts, and in spite of the casts…
    The front page was being held tight in his grasp.
    New York Times
    Jan 4 2009
    KILLER FINALLY CAUGHT
    Last night, a big surprise was given to Knicks fans
    when police outside gave chase to a sick man
    who is suspect of three murders all dropped by six bangs.
    He was chased by four cops, a civilian and six fans.
    Police had three clues that allowed them to see through
    the evidence… continued on page B2


    Two months earlier, a man writes a note in his Bronx apartment.

    “I find myself awake, depressed, causin
    me to lay in bed all night tossin.
    Recently my life has suffered such big losses.
    And to top it all off…
    The Knicks just got KILLED by Boston.
    Fuck TV, “entertainment” is useless,
    it only reminds me of my childhood abuses.
    And that’s why I’m dying tonight.
    because there’s nothing to live for eyed in my sight.
    I can’t stand life . God, I feel so lifeless.
    Please remember me…whoever finds this.
    Sincerely, W…”
    But a loud noise exploded, and I suddenly sprang.
    For the first time in months,
    the telephone rang.
    “Walter!” cried the voice of a mysterious man.
    “Remember me? Don’t you know who I am?”
    I knew it was James,
    and it was confirmed when I asked.
    At last, I was speaking to a friend from the past.

    He knows my deadliest secrets, from when I was young and stupid.

    But it was cool,
    cuz he took part in all the murders too.
    I KNEW that James would NEVER play me for a fool.
    After the armed robbery, NEVER again would I steal
    So I ran away for good…
    with James behind the wheel.

    B
    Pg 2
    [continued from front page]…which all along was irrelevant.
    The suspect, Walter McMullen, a Bronx resident,
    was led to the scene by undercover cop James Michaels
    Who claimed to personally know the alleged psycho.


    “SLEEP Walter. NOW.”

    The guard gave a frown, and Walter
    faded down, into a cotton mattress
    and he made a sound.
    A quiet sob. Life made him sick.
    He shouldn’t have gone with James
    to see the Knicks.
    Last edited by Junio; October 15th, 2006 at 10:16 PM

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  2. #2
    hasta la victoria siempre
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    up.

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  3. #3
    Cause A Fuss Truth Iscariot's Avatar
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    the whole big men thing threw me off for a second but this was a really good piece, you had good imagery, you had good vocab, i liked the way you used times and the newspaper thing ws good, you used dialouge right that enhanced the piece alot yo

    this as a solid piece one of the best that i have readin a while great job on this

    if you have time please hit up my om in the sig

    AI

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  4. #4
    -Camera Kisses- P. Mortuus's Avatar
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    Never trust a friend lol specially one you haven't met for a while. The ironic tale of this piece was good and interesting. Plus adding newspaper paragrapsh were good to...the 2nd part surprised me when i heard he was being led into a trap. The flow of this piece was good and i read it fluidly without any big problems. The only flaw i found with this piece was limited vocabulary, you repeated words a couple of times which affected the piece negatively. You should expand the vocabulary no need for big words just less repetitiveness na mean. Overall, it was a good story orientated piece, Stay up^.

    Some comment on my om
    http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=312655

  5. #5
    ..in chains? Naw!
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    ArtificialIntelligence
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  6. #6
    hasta la victoria siempre
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    Quote Originally Posted by Baron P. Mortuus
    Never trust a friend lol specially one you haven't met for a while. The ironic tale of this piece was good and interesting. Plus adding newspaper paragrapsh were good to...the 2nd part surprised me when i heard he was being led into a trap. The flow of this piece was good and i read it fluidly without any big problems. The only flaw i found with this piece was limited vocabulary, you repeated words a couple of times which affected the piece negatively. You should expand the vocabulary no need for big words just less repetitiveness na mean. Overall, it was a good story orientated piece, Stay up^.

    Some comment on my om
    http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=312655
    i have no idea what your talking about on the vocabulary. i read it over, and i only repeated a word in a multie ONCE. but thanks for the feed.

    ill hit yours up soon.

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  7. #7
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    yto son this peice was one of the best, i like the whole concept, u had me reading from beginning to end, you hade good vocab and imagery, this peice is excellent, so imma leave it at that and continue the good work aight homey looking forward to more of ur open mics
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  8. #8
    hasta la victoria siempre
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    thanks for the feed, UP.

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    Originally Posted by Brandon Heat
    I said shorten your fucking sig...



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  9. #9
    hasta la victoria siempre
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    uppers

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    Originally Posted by Brandon Heat
    I said shorten your fucking sig...



    -Me...

  10. #10
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    Now this was a good piece, I found I liked it much more than the other one you wrote "Crossing the Line". There were very minor problems so little I had to strain to notice, the story had me wrapped into it so much if there were something, I couldn't even tell. It had it all, props. Rtf.
    -Insert Sig-



  11. #11
    hasta la victoria siempre
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    thanks for the feed.

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    Originally Posted by Brandon Heat
    I said shorten your fucking sig...



    -Me...

  12. #12
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    Junio man whats good? this is the first I've seen of your shit but hey, i liked it alot.

    the flow was nice, had mad originality, rhymes were on point..and i like the structure of it alot...also the way its set like a newspaper is tight as hell...keep it up for real

    9/10
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