The Silent Death.

[Fatal.]

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The darkness is closing in, just took a puff off the joint
Smokey air around me, asking myself what is the point
There is no sound...there are no people on the sidewalks
Feeling a bit nervous...and feeling like my mindtalks
I start to get dizzy, and my vision starts becoming blurry
Finished off the joint and started heading home in a hurry
I forget i was living, felt confused and started thinking a lot
Tried to find out what was reality and what was not
I was on my way home, the moonlight shining on the trees
I had Numbed hands and nose from the cold breeze
Slipped out a cigarette and lighter, lit it up and inhaled
Looking at the flame and smoke, knowing in life i failed
I continuted walking...puffing..blowing out the smoke slow
Walked past a hobo...felt scared i was going loco
I was paranoid from the weed i smoked a few minutes ago
Started seeing headlights coming from up the road
I was thinking about my family at home waiting for me to arrive
They were the only ones that i felt knew i was alive
I felt like nothing...i didn't know what i wanted to do anymore
I didn't know what the fuck i was even living for
Once i stopped thinking about the bad situations i had to deal with
I had a pain in my stomache and head and started to feel sick
It was pitchblack now, just street lights and the car ahead
It was heading straight towards me...next thing i was dead....
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[Fatal.]

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...ds-352370.html
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...ht-352587.html

[Fatal.]

uppin.

[Rhapsodist]

ending was nice.. great imagery, especially at the end.. flowed nicely too.. but not much complexity here.. flow was nice but basic as well.. multies lacked for the most part..but still an overall cool drop.. it was an entertaining read but still lots of room for improvement. Stay up.. and drop some feed on my African Stories pieces when ya got time

[3rdWorld]

the ending was tight.

Once i stopped thinking about the bad situations i had to deal with
I had a pain in my stomache and head and started to feel sick
It was pitchblack now, just street lights and the car ahead
It was heading straight towards me...next thing i was dead....

that was good imagery and flowed pretty well

i liked this piece.

[.SuiGeneris.]

Another 'simplicity at its best' piece. This was an simple piece so my feedback won't be long just to let you know. I love the flow, the syllable count you had was good. The word choices was good, even though it was simple. The imagination of your piece was very detailed, not abstract, just out in the open like "Look!!!!". It was straight to the point. The concept/idea was coo, it was more of a movie feel. I like the fact that you've put down every little detail that your character was doing in this piece. Loved it, and I thinkthat that's what supported your piece greatly. The 'tone' of this piece was more of a 'movie director', 'Do this, do that, look at this, look at that'. This piece had great potential, if you want to elevate as a lyrical story-telling writer or write up a short-story. I advise you to use better words, up your vocabulary, use synonyms, adjectivces all that english stuff that you mighthate in class. Lol. My fav lines in this were...

I start to get dizzy, and my vision starts becoming blurry
Finished off the joint and started heading home in a hurry
I forget i was living, felt confused and started thinking a lot
Tried to find out what was reality and what was not
I was on my way home, the moonlight shining on the trees
I had Numbed hands and nose from the cold breeze
Slipped out a cigarette and lighter, lit it up and inhaled
Looking at the flame and smoke, knowing in life i failed

Nice....Keep it up, you'll elevate.

Please return a feedback on this piece....

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...ls-352671.html

1luv.

[Fatal.]

iight thanks i hit up some links. ill hit the rest tommorow cuz their pretty long. uppin for more.