handprint

[spokenoh]

for brittle words break away
like sand dunes punctured by rolling tides;
cascading grey waves like hands
gesturing the sight of you before me
like an amber glow

and but words only tell like soothsayers,
futures made as sandcastles
barricaded by moats where we dug
our hands like nails to your back;
promises of fate read like
the lines of your hand,
foot trails, & flaked tea leaves
(changing colour seasonally, like your eyes)

that our paths may cross like a hidden treasure,
and a prayer to a man who'd give it all
for your heart like a transplant;
growing fruitfully among my walk
like a bird of prey

so if my words ever fall upon deaf ears,
let the smile that stretches infinite
as the ember of my soul -
for the heartwood of yours -
whisper lullabies like vibrant heartbeats

and bring these words to life,
in the scattered rose-petal bed
where you lay
your beautiful face to sleep

and let my hands speak, soft
like the trickling of rain,
of the poetry
you are filled with

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...397/index.html
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...327/index.html

[spokenoh]

fuck up.

[Masahiko.]

don't delete this. I will feed this, I'm just trying to take it in lol.

I think when I read shit like 2 or 3 times I give better feedback lol, Look at P. Mortuus's poem, I read his shit like 6 times before I fed it. Keep it up at least for me.

[spokenoh]

and. .

[Masahiko.]

So, first, the beginning was my favorite part, I loved the tone and voice the poem had, you really dump your heart out, don't you.

for brittle words break away
like sand dunes punctured by rolling tides;
cascading grey waves like hands
gesturing the sight of you before me
like an amber glow

I liked your beginning, I'm not sure if you meant to, but it seemed like your tone here is very soft, like a delicate word choice and it really was quite lovely lol.

and but words only tell like soothsayers,
futures made as sandcastles
barricaded by moats where we dug
our hands like nails to your back;

first two lines were my favorite, and such a nice erotic undertone in the last lines of the stanza.



This piece was great, I love the emotion you put into your pieces, because well, they feel real and genuine. I think you have the hang of these love poems pretty well, do you write this for a certain person? I'd have to say there wasn't much wrong with your mechanics man, My taste calls for a little more technical tools, but sometimes you got to keep it simple and genuine, and a love poem is always good for that technique. Keep writing man.

[spokenoh]

Thank you, and I do write for someone, always. This stuff comes from a very real place.

[juliawhispers]

I love the specific detailing that you include within your works - it definitely creates a sense of realism to it. I enjoy you ability to effectively portray "erotic undertones" as Utsuri calls it - all the while remaining genuine to the love aspect of the poem - without getting carried away on a scandalous thought.

let my hands speak, soft
like the trickling of rain,
of the poetry
you are filled with

- This was my favourite part - but maybe im more of a romantic than I like to regularly admit.

[spokenoh]

I think you are.

Up again.