Trajik (1-2) vs. GrimReapa (0-0) [VOTE]

[Brandon Cee]

Rules and Regulations

Please notice the change of due times, and as always, good luck!

[trajik]

So they want to give you an easy first win, check.

Votes:
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...39&postcount=7
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...93&postcount=7
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...06&postcount=6
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...62&postcount=9

[GrimReapa™]

naw naw im a lil rusty so raise that chin up lil soldier.


and checc and G/L

[trajik]

http://i56.tinypic.com/16a9ls7.png


A warm sensation overwhelms as I gaze upon the lights
Lost in the patterns which spawn upon the dawn of night
For what its worth, I discern I've taken it all for granted
Amalgamated with the earth, my boots have been planted
My toes have become roots, dispersing through the ground
Astounded by the scenery which drowned the sky around
Flying high in this heavenly moment, sounds I hear bring delight
I might be slightly overjoyed by these sights and sounds tonight
The brightness and dark beautifully contrast, its suitably
Euphoric, I'm ecstatic for it. And so fluidly--
I'm relaxed and at ease, I cease to feel like a solid
This released state that I'm in, I'm uncertain what to call it


I feel strange, living an abnormal reality
Difficult to distinguish the truth from fallacy
Is this fact or fiction, is my brain playing tricks'n me?
How can I trust my senses when it all seems too good to be
true? I question it's validity, but quickly fall off track
Is my felicity a lie? My ideation drifts back
My mind is sporadic, yet focused on a single thought
It moves a mile a minute though simultaneously stopped
I begin to dispute the entirety of what I know
It then dilutes my composure and diminishes my glow


So with it, I grow frantic and massively paranoid
I'm now in a position where me and myself share a void
Here the lights abysmally shine and set a dismal mood
This negativity brewed inside, I'm wishing it will conclude
As the bright lights dim, does it allude to my own demise?
I despise my current mind state, I must mentally revise
I'm uncertain how, as I'm overwhelmed by anxiety
Awaiting my death, as crying initiates quietly
Suddenly I'm in the amenities of where I call home,
Petrified and flush, I'm hot to the touch, my face has shown
That I'm happy to be here and I let out a relieved sigh
Immediately I realize that I'm coming down from a high

[GrimReapa™]

http://i56.tinypic.com/2dm72tj.png



Water drips out loud in the background, as time continues to tick
Once look upon a genius, now dismissed as a useless prick
No life for my own now enslaved by rules of relentless repression
Family slain by random acts of aggression, I slip deeply into depression
No one to fall back on, no ones caring shoulder to wipe my tears
As my existence disappears, I continually grow spiteful and insincere
Cold shoulders brings chills to my spine and distorts my psyche
It sinks to the darkest depths of my cold heart, noone likes me
Thrown out like yesterdays trash, unwanted and misconstrued
Robbed of my youth, now this way of life I must conform to
Once esteemed as a great writer, I now know I have no usefulness
Civilization forced into dark ages, no longer proud and luminous
Forced into cages, arms marked by numbers, no true identity
Smile at your enemy, forced to show fitness, true obscenity
Picked by spunk and liveliness but we're struggling, malnourished,
Skin rubs on bones, stomach pains but still trying to act flourished
Waving at our foes, basically begging for another day of life
Its rare for feelings of joy to come; now only melancholy is rife
Imperialistic bastards that slap whips with sly crooked smiles
Freedom gradually float away as if it was just a lily on the Nile
But my book brings me back, it is a symbol of personal fortitude
It helps me seclude, evacuate away from those trying to intrude
I speak words of rebellion, death to all of are evil tormentors
Trying to dispel thoughts of hell and let our freedom enter
But they brain bang hopes of freedom out, speech is always contested
Their hate has invested itself & now my death is requested
Yanked out of my bed just as I started my last chapter
So guess this chapter truly is my last, no future hereafter

But my book lives on, as do I.....

[Token]

Trajik: Props man. You are definitely improving as the weeks progress. The first stanza was good, I enjoyed it. You have an extensive vocab, which is nice. It flowed well, but I felt you started to fall off as the second stanza came around. Some of it felt a bit unnatural and forced. It started to straighten back out in the third, but as a result became more simplistic. Almost like each stanza was written with different motivation. Anyways, solid drop.

Grim: Great story telling. It snagged my attention all the way through. Good job lacing the story to the picture, the concept was better than the one I had for this image. (I almost chose it). We used some of the same words this week in our pieces, thought that was coincidentally cool. Vocab was solid. Flow was good. Though I do feel you could have polished up the rhyme scheme a tad, it worked for this piece.

Overall, cool battle guys.

Vote: GrimReapa, for consistency

[143]

Traj - I like where you went with the picture. Good integration of vocab and storytelling. Love the intro to it, very strong with the imagery. It did slowed in the middle and at the end it ramped and crescendo. The movement was strong in this.

Grim - You had a deeper depth with some of the vocab and you presented strong imagery with this but the one thing that hurt you badly, for about 65% of the drop you focused on how the character was trapped or taken away from society and didn't go much further with that. With your picture I believe that you could have went further from just being recluse or absent and went more into escapism for the latter half of the drop. Overall you still put out some great product with this drop and with the rust gone, you'll be back to form...

Vote - Trajik for having more of an in depth story.

[Art.]

very cool battle here

traj- gotta agree with the posters above me you are deff getting better and making a lot of proccess throughout the weeks. each week i feel as if you took the critisism well and grew from it. your first couple of lines were great your vocab was pretty nice throughout the entire piece. although, i do feel you started to fall offi lost your flow a couple of times as i kept reading no hate but your deff improving keep it up!

grim so much for shaking rust off i thought your piece was really deep alot of imagery emotion throughout the entire read. and i liked your consistancy more than traj you kept up your pace through the whole piece. Also i like the story alot it caught my attention form the get go. good job

vote grim

[Edicius]

Trajik,

You dropped a really nice story.. used a good rhymesheme and it was just an overall very nice read, i really enjoyed it.

Grim,

You told a cool story at the start combined with a good usage of rhyming and such, but at some point it got to repetitive for me as a story and i felt i didnt continued and focussed to much at one point.. cool read though.

v/ Trajik, for what it thought as better executed as a whole.. and more enjoyable for me personal, to read.

props to both.

[Vinzr]

Trajik - Nice work here, I think this verse is a step up from your verse last week... you made some adjustments and improvement in your style which I thought was nice. As far as vocab and content / story telling goes, I'd say you did well.

Grim - This piece was strong on imagery and presented a nice story that I enjoyed reading. I don't think your verse was as creative as Trajik's but it was still creative in it's own way. The emotion was something I felt was strong in this piece.

This was a close battle, thought both were good in their respective areas but I'm going to give Trajik the slight edge for coming in with more with his piece.

v/ Trajik

[Composure]

Trajik - Man, props this week. I felt the flow was much more natural and you still peppered in some complex vocabulary, only this time the bridges between words were more smooth to travel across.

Here the lights abysmally shine and set a dismal mood
^^^ So slick right here, too bad your second line went right back into awkward wording...

You had some juxtaposition and some solid metaphors to express the confusion and original experience the main character was having... The thing that pops out as a weak point is the ending. I think it cheapens the experience a little and a real strong ending to tie it together would have made for a stronger piece. Good work, though...

GrimReapa - The setting and mood was more dramatic than Trajik's. Had some good imagery throughout to keep it vivid. One of the main things I value in writing, especially when trying to use emotion as the driving factor, is how believable it is. There are several ways to hinder that, and one of them is phrasing. You had a few lines that I felt you sacrificed flow for vocab... But I'd say this was a solid piece.

Overall these were both done well, both had areas that could be improved (and I think they will be) and the pieces will become better as the season goes on. After a couple re-reads, I am going with the piece that captured a more tangible feeling and story... Though it was close.

Vote = GrimReapa

[Soul Slayer]

Trajik - well I think you're getting better as we go along which is great to see. Thats the whole point of this league. Elevate. Having said that, this piece was good overall, you did however begin to slack as the stanzas progressed. I'd like to see a little more consistancy in the language you use and structure. Flipping a piece like that can hurt you. Props on the progress though my dude.

Grim - you have a great storytelling ability and this piece shows that. I felt like you could have come harder But i realise that you've been away for some time and usually need a few matches to build on your writing. flow was good and i felt that you wrote a coherent piece that showed some consistancy throughout.

Good battle guys and vote; Grim

[Brandon Cee]

thanks Soul ^

Grim wins (1-0)
Trajik loses (1-3)

CLOSED