Originally Posted by
L.E
Frost Heaves
Frost heaves...I tossed seeds, stop breeds of legions of the not-steeds,
Regions that I plot trees, damaged by the winds carried over lost seas.
My dog pleas. Brushing brown hair before my hand’s in the basket,
The snack, did I have it? Another blast...rancid, havoc wracked on the planet.
Frail bones. Treats tumble within my skin, white as pale stone.
The male tone, of my dog’s bark...ugh, look at how long my nails’ grown.
Look down in the smashed mirror, into rugged eyes that passed fear,
The cracked sphere, resembling life...it was tougher times this past year.
Sit down and crack my last beer, though my desolate look was courageous.
Jotted down in my book...my reflection was the only look I have got for ages.
Throw the can to the ground, the sound, echoing into the land that was around,
Profound, the irony was that my duty counteracts all the trash that was found.
My dog whimpers, the air lingers that ensures every lung is infected,
The hum of the weapons, still drumming, the year after Trump was elected...
Warfare. The war’s stare, still ever evident across the landscape,
I plant trees, to have plates...but the frost heaves are leaving with the man’s hate!
Smooth. You've got a nice flow going on 'round here. I get tripped up by the wording every now and then by some choppy bits but it's a minor minor complaint. And it wasn't excessive. Lasted for like a second and boom right back in the swing of things. Great rhymes, the multis were fluid. But, most importantly; your concept is on point. Story, character, the narrative. It's all liquid, running smooth to me. Got the picture of the aftermath of a war. Nuclear devastation, nuclear winter, even. I liked 'the war's stare'. Humanizing war because war is absolutely human. And the remnants of conflict desecrate the landscape. Tossed seeds, plotting trees. I just love the visual of a man walking around with his dog in post-nuclear war. Fallout 4 anyone? lol
Frost heaves. Slot knees, snow melts in what seems to be a hot breeze,
I spot bees, trees, creeks begin to bubble and bounce like a snot breathes!
And then my dog sees, a fresh spring, and it runs down, laps with its tongue,
What had begun? For years, my vision now would been a blasphemous one!
Was it hallucination? The rude creation, taken a toll, were my dues mistaken?
We lose our nations, the situation worsens, now I am in place where fruits awaken?
I depart breath. My heart’s set, smile as my dog runs in the water until his bark’s wet.
Stars check into line, the sun shines...I look over my shoulder to where the dark’s left.
And then my mind stops. Approaching over the horizon quickly where the line drops,
My spine hops, into cover, rifle drawn, the vehicles counting announcing nine spots!
The dog bolts, my thoughts jolt..! But my hand his trigger steady....ready...
....My dog growls, raging, running towards the machinery parading heavy!
Panic! How long since have I seen life, but is it life that will give us death?
My rifle to chest, eyes on the sights....I carry the skill of a sniper’s respect!
But the rolls halt, the bolts creaking, great tanks with tracks broken!
The hatch golden, cracks and a man smiles, “Drop your weapon, our land’s open.”
First set of lines we were introduced to a man wandering the destroyed landscape with his dog and the struggles that have come with it. Simply planting seeds to try and create life. Weary of the world, and tired. Both man and companion. Now, they find life and that life brings them close to weapons of war once more. Will life bring death? That was a very nice line. Again, the flow is smooth and the story you tell is so visible. You got the cinematic imagery down here. Characterization is excellent. I feel his relief and disbelief upon finding what could be seen as paradise. Then, I also feel connected to his sense of distrust towards anyone looking like a soldier.
Frost heaves decreasing as the earth warmed and the rocks freed,
The flocks need, the feed of the lake as the world punished the stocks’ greed.
For creatures survive, strive...we entwined all of the evil with lives,
Now my reaches of pride, as I look back at my trees that keep the people alive.
The man who led smiled again, “For all of the nuclear bombs that hurled woe.
Girls will curl toes, let the heard know! Against every odd, you helped the world grow.”
My dog was wrapped in a joy, happy for the first time since the damage deployed,
Tossed seeds CAN plot trees...even when frost heaves leave your planet destroyed.
I'm with Goliath one this one. The appearance of frost heaves three times may feel a little too repetitive. Though, I switch back and forth on that feeling. Transition of the seasons but also the discovery of new life. New warmth. Ruined world returning to former glory. I like 'entwined all of the evil with lives'. Evil has been surrounded. Beaten. At least temporarily. Life has returned, and the man talking finishes it all off beautifully. The man tossing seeds helped the world grow again. He could plot trees even in the darkest of times. Very positive message and vibe from this piece. Human perseverance.