Originally Posted by
Judge Mentill
Wanderer's Weaponry
The sky blazes, a burnt orange, the color of scorched earth
Framed by cascades of numbers like lightning at Thor's birth
This wait is torture, the wind's whisper a dull monotony
Mocking me, a lone soldier pursuing his personal prophesy
For three days and what seems a thousand years I've stood as guardian
Dispatching Godless, heartless men, each day I rise and start again
And every day is a test, but with each ray I feel blessed
Despite this cavalcade of crusaders who put my blade to the test
But these rats are just foreshadows of the big cheese
A tyrant who took glee in his misdeeds and sick schemes
A warrior king the rumors say; abomination, civilized barbarian
Who sent many a brave soul to pay the Reaper's ferrymen
None were buried when he left survivors weeping in their chains
And old maids, enraged, enslaved, sweeping up the brains
Sweet, first person to take one of the images I provided. And I'm more than glad to get a bit of a samurai tale because what the hell else were you going to do with it?! Lol. If you say you're rusty and getting into the swing of things again, I say watch out once you do. This to me seems like a step in the right direction on the story telling and descriptive point of view. Also had a better flow/rhyme scheme from your zombie piece in my opinion. Some things might be drawn out only leading to a simple one word rhyme BUT the imagery is great. So it's kind of a give and take there. If one day you get multis and internals with complexity and depth matching visuals. Goodbye everybody, Mentill's got this shit. But I like this story so far of a crusading warrior of justice dispatching bad men.
The blossom leaves breathe tranquility; a comforting illusion
That's just the program that produced them, electronic prostitution
The hollow thuds of footsteps as he paces, the beat of drums on the march
The approach of Howe's retinue; they're coming at dark
At dusk he sees the spark of torches floating out in the mire
"So the evil heart approaches..."
Blossom leaves. I love the imagery of cherry blossoms, they're just fucking beautiful. Like the comfort you give us. 'Breathe tranquility' is a cool personification of the leaves. And the hint of the ending here was nice. Keeps the story flowing and sets us up fro the big confrontation with that dialogue line.
With gloats of broken empires
As the crickets raise a chorus, the antagonist calls a halt
His twisted smile, as sharp as hatred, the wound which caught the salt
Gloats of broken empires. Very nice. An arrogant an with a heart full of the self and his conquering exploits.
"Whose this bastard who blocks my path?"
His toady's chuckles like cries of pond life
"A beggar, a merchant, a bandit?"
Mocking the samurai, very bad choice. Toady chuckles gives us a good sound. Though, to me, we do lose a bit of flow and rhyme here. Maybe it's a good chance for us to breathe and sift off to another scheme, so I don't know how to particularly judge this shift as whole.
Well, he got that one right
My sword rings, sings a pure note as it's drawn from the holster
Quicksilver razor, made to, leave crimson pouring from soldiers
With savage pride I stride forward, justice about to dance
Elation at his wide eyes as I glide through his trusted confidants
The dying sun paints the blood black; graffiti by a psychopath
Leaving this glorified thug stumbling back from righteous wrath
Fleeing down the dimly lighted path, but my feet are given wings
An unnatural speed which exceeds that of normal living things
I pull the fiend to his knees, touched the sword to his skin
"Any last words?"
Glorified thug has no chance against the master of the sword. Cutting down men here and there with simple lightning fast swings. Savage pride is a good way to describe the warrior because it kind of mirrors him with the glorified thug. He has an arrogance, a gloat of his broken empires while the warrior has a savage pride in his murderous work.
"Hell eternal is your reward for this sin,
Without me, my daughter perishes, my enemies will take her
Rape her, cut her throat and strip her estate bare
Kill me and be damned..."
With a heavy heart I pushed the blade through his back
And dropped the cursed weapon as the program faded to black
Great fucking twist. Killing for justice, murder for justice, there are still consequences; not all is good and green upon the stroke of the deathly blade. There is not only the bloody mess left behind of the victim, but the aftershock to others linked to him; and the regretful stings will slice deep into the carrier of the blade.
Reality returns with a gasp and glaring lights, I sit up in the chair
To find my crewmate's standing, staring right at the digital compere
Alex, he clacks the keyboard with the air of a maestro
"Simulation over! What did you think?"
"I think you might know."
"Yeah, the daughter part was fucked up, but we're playing a ruthless game."
I'm intrigued by this. Matrix-esque in its way. I don't know the reference you might be thinking. It's Assassin's Creed, part Sword Art Online, a whole bunch of shit.
Electronic warfare against machines who would plainly do the same
Howe was just a pale reflection of the slavery we faced
A former honest man made to be a snake, whose bravery was fake
And so I understood the morale of the tale he was telling me
Was strength of mind to bend the rules is the Wanderer's Weaponry
Locked in a war where only the ruthless will win. See beyond the rules of mercy and compassion. Strength of mind to do what is needed to be done. Flow of the rhymes wasn't particularly fantastic down here, but the conceptual strokes were dope. Do everything necessary for victory.
I feel Nahlidge had a slightly better flow. But you win in your conceptual aspects. The story-telling is fantastic and digs a few layers deeper than him on that end of the scale even though he says a lot in few words. Really good work.
