Life Story( For my Daughter Ayana)

[Dirtysouthchick]

Hearts broken every day,
Never did I think it would be mine
Day after day I'm losing more of my mind,
I trusted you and gave you my all
Your promises held high of how you would never hurt me,
You played your little game, got sum then deserted me
Guys callin my house now trying to get with this
But I turn them down as I look at my left ring finger
Thoughts of you never leave on my lips your kiss lingers
Pass your house everyday going to work
As I hear her laugh my heart drops
I can't take this anymore, its time for it to all stop.
I'm very hesitant as I walk up to your door
"Don't do it Joy" I think "just leave it alone"
But I can't help but remember how you ruined our happy home
Married at the age of 16 I was naive and dumb
I didn't say anything when you left our house at twelve at night
I didn't say anything when you hit me after our very first fight
But I will say something now, for our daughters sake
So I walk to the door step and ring the doorbell
The first words that pop in my head are " Go straight to Hell"
But when you open the door my breath gets caught and only tears roll
I can't say anything so I show you a picture of your baby girl
Then I give you back all the letters which said I was your world
As I turn away I can't help but to break down
I never wanted you to go
I choked on the words I love you even though love was hard to show
I go home to an empty bed thinking of how we used to be
Then I turn to our daughter and I promise her no more tears
I want her to grow up and learn to love without fears
So I hold my head high I'm through with you,
I'm now concerned with me
It's time I showed my Daughter how a real women should be
Your pain and lies were taken seriously and will never be forgotten
It's time for a new start
From now on there will be no more broken hearts
Lifes a lesson to be learned
Don't play with fire and think you won't get burned

[BADASSBITCH4LIFE]

Nice work.I dunno if its all guyz that think this way but a guy like that u dont need him.Ur better off on ur own all that u need to worry about is ur daughter and ull be just fine.Keep Droppin.If u get tha time can u peep at mine.Really appreciate it thanx.Much luv. Im out~1~
~Pz.

[Dirtysouthchick]

Thanx for the love. Right now my daughter is my main concern. Without her I probably would've done sothing stupid. Her god-father is the one who got me thinking of gettin on a site like this and relasein my agner...so I'm glad I did.

[BADASSBITCH4LIFE]

oh yea ive been hurt too just take a look at "u think ur a playa"

[Dirtysouthchick]

I really liked u think ur a player...I just wished I knew about his ways before I married him...at 16

[Dirtysouthchick]

Everybody else out there tel me what you think about this 1 luv

[Prince Escobar]

well i can relate to this situation in a disturbing way almost exact same shit happened to me and i find my daughter (Gabrielle) keeps a nigga goin, thats my focus. On your piece i felt the emotions because it was a touching piece but it seemed as if u slightly held back at times. I like how u wanna show strong for your daughter and i know that bein young we kinda feel like we're hangin over a cliff with all that life in front of us and all of it going down hill but i appreciate your strength for your daughter and for yourself from human to human, many props, 1luv.

[Deceit]

That was extremely plain, but it's the plainness that was apparently put there purposefully, it makes it true, not presumptuous, you're just telling a story.
The emotional value is there in wide veiw, it's obvious there were feelings spilling out with this, it seems you wanted to say more though...

It's rhyme scheme was strange but in a good way, some lines changed the rhyme suddenly which drew you in, and, though subconcsiously i asume, they were strategically placed at thinking points where it seemed you felt like emotion was all and everything...


Of course in every poem there are problems, the lines didn't flow together too well, they were quite all over the place, and although this is evidence of your actual feelings, poetry should channel this into an artistic, and unbiased veiw of your story.

You also seemed subdued and didn't throw out your idea's but sorted them to tell the truth if this poem was more abstract it would have been reminicsent with your 'soul' so to speak.

Overall it was an emotional and enjoyable peice as i actually wanted to read it, but it needed more concentration, and ironically, concentration comes by not concentating and just writing, try some stream of concsiousness, off the top of your head stuff
I bet it'll get better results...Good Peice

[Dirtysouthchick]

Thanx for the love...be on the look out cuz I got a lot more of where that came form

[Bounce]

I was lost in the emotion, I did not allow the simple structure take away from the piece, I thing the emotion was the glue that held it together. You can do some things to the transitions but that's not needed in a piece like this. I am really feeling your hurt and I am so sorry, I appologise on behalf of men, for you anguish, we mature at a slwor rate than you ladies, so it's no justification but just some insight. I too am guilty of this, but I did eventually mature, I have not looked back since. Wonderful use of imagery and emotion, your honesty is respected. It's not easy to drop something so personal, I know that for sure. Much love mija, hit me up next time you drop, and give your little girl a hug for me, kids need every ounce of our affection. Bounce..

[Varentao]

Men walking away from their responsbilities. Shame it happens so often. A damn shame. Nice to see, that overall you remained strong. This was a piece quite plain, yet not. Because you just released your emotions so true and honest. Your emotions and the situatin at hand. So that, in a way, layered the piece with what you were saying...er..i don't know if you got that. But i tihnk you'll get the basic jist of it.

Nice to see you releasing your emotions into writing.

..resp...

[Content]

Honesty And Emotion Were The
Keys To This Piece Of Work Here
Even Though It Was Bland Your
Emotion Picked Up Whatever Slack
There May Have Been To Turn Out
Something Nice As A Result...I Like
The Long Ones That Are Worth Reading

Nicely Done Being New Here And All..
You Should Opt To Compete In The
Poetry Monarchs Tournamet Because
You Could Possibly Go Very Far..Even Win

Peace..Please Return The Favor If You Have Any Time
As Well For Anyone Else Who Has Displayed Interest
In Your Work..We're Here To Elevate Eachother

~Content~

[sILLable]

plain or not this was ill,felt tha emotion,felt tha deepness,but for tha record not every guy thinks in that frame of mind.peace out,and keep ya head up baby girl,may your troubles be abolished.