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Thread: _.::-No LuckI-::._

  1. February 10th, 2004, 05:26 PM #1
    Steven William
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    _.::-No LuckI-::._

    Part I Of A Two Part Story...



    Woke Up One Morning And To My Surprise,
    Rolled Over To Baby Gurl 'N' Looked Right At Her Eyes,
    Shinin' Like Diamonds, I Love To See Her Glistened Smile,
    Like It Even More... When She's Equipped To Get Wild,
    With Her Incredible Body, And Those Outrageous Curves,
    Flauntin' Around In a Mini Skirt...Dinners Almost Served,
    And As To My Observe, She's Flossin' Her Pink G-String,
    She Bends Over The Counter, Making My Pants Spring,



    But She Cooked The Most Unpleasent Food You Could Ever Devour,
    She Started Packing Up Her Bags... And Was Gone In Half An Hour,
    After That I Crouched, And Slumped Over On My Couch,
    I Had The Gurl Of Fantasies... Now She's Gone I Kicked Her Out,
    Now How Could I Have Let This Happen, How Did It Transpire,
    The Way My Face Was Engulfed In Tears You'd Think I Was a Town Crier,
    O Well This Bitch Expired, I Gotta Let Her Go I Don't Have a Choice,
    Then I Felt So Relieved... When I Heard Her Elegant Voice,
    Im Sorry Gurl I Didn't Mean To Do That I Swear Honestly...
    Then This Bulk Man Walked In My House And Shot At Me,
    She Started Gigglin' This Aint No Comedy...I Don't See No Joke,
    I Live In An Apartment, Bought Too Much I'm Bout' To Go Broke,



    Im Sorry Baby Boy She Replied... I Found A New Man,
    He Has More Time For Me, And He Does More Than You Can,
    I Didn't Mean To Hurt You But You Never Had Time For Me,
    I Turned And Said... Gurl This Is My Life You Don't No My Story,
    I Had Such Rotten Fortuane All My Life, Then You Came Along,
    You Made Me Strong... Baby Gurl Your The Reason I Inscribed This Song,
    Your The Reason For Me Writing, The Intellect Of Me Living,
    I Love You So Much... Can't You Just See Me I'm Forgiving,



    Well Now It Is Concluded, This Relationships Complete,
    Get Out Of My House, Trick... I Really Though You Were Sweet,
    This Love Is Not Concrete, You've Left Me In Deciet,
    This Guy Can't Compete, And I No Longer Desire You,
    And I May Have Been Decieving... But Your A Liar Too,
    Gurl You Were My Everything, Now Your Just UnSeen,
    Don't Wanna See You, You Think That Your One's Queen,
    The Lottery Is The Only Thing That Coulda Drew Me Luck,
    Cauz Sittin' Hear All Night Was Wasted... Damn That Movie Sucked...
    ScytsoPhrenia
    CrazyDope

    Put down the pebbles in my hand, climbed a ladder, put a brick right through your window.
    "You're gonna hear me out." Yeah, hear me out on this!
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  2. February 10th, 2004, 06:56 PM #2
    Steven William
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    Uppin!!!
    ScytsoPhrenia
    CrazyDope

    Put down the pebbles in my hand, climbed a ladder, put a brick right through your window.
    "You're gonna hear me out." Yeah, hear me out on this!
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  3. February 10th, 2004, 10:03 PM #3
    Mistral
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    This was pretty good i thought.....i liked the read overall....structure was pretty good in it....the flow was pretty good as well i thought, it stayed on through out the piece pretty well....the content i thought was good, pretty nice.....vocab was alright in it....overall a pretty good piece...keep at it.
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  4. February 11th, 2004, 05:16 PM #4
    Steven William
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    up up up up....
    cmon people...
    ScytsoPhrenia
    CrazyDope

    Put down the pebbles in my hand, climbed a ladder, put a brick right through your window.
    "You're gonna hear me out." Yeah, hear me out on this!
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  5. February 11th, 2004, 09:53 PM #5
    Steven William
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    what the fuck give me some feedback
    ScytsoPhrenia
    CrazyDope

    Put down the pebbles in my hand, climbed a ladder, put a brick right through your window.
    "You're gonna hear me out." Yeah, hear me out on this!
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  6. February 11th, 2004, 11:58 PM #6
    Steven William
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    cmon levae a link ill hit it...
    stop sleepin
    uppin...
    _-SyaNidal-_...O-U-T...Out...
    ScytsoPhrenia
    CrazyDope

    Put down the pebbles in my hand, climbed a ladder, put a brick right through your window.
    "You're gonna hear me out." Yeah, hear me out on this!
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  7. February 12th, 2004, 12:08 AM #7
    SMZ
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    Nice job - flow and vocab were both pretty good. A few awkward wordings but quite good overall. Very descriptive language used. Keep writing.
    lmao @ "But She Cooked The Most Unpleasent Food You Could Ever Devour,"

    Hit my "Broken Metamorphosis" if you can.

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    I'm dead.


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    Hence Forward
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  8. February 12th, 2004, 03:58 PM #8
    Steven William
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    uppin
    ScytsoPhrenia
    CrazyDope

    Put down the pebbles in my hand, climbed a ladder, put a brick right through your window.
    "You're gonna hear me out." Yeah, hear me out on this!
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  9. February 13th, 2004, 01:37 PM #9
    Steven William
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    uppin again!
    ScytsoPhrenia
    CrazyDope

    Put down the pebbles in my hand, climbed a ladder, put a brick right through your window.
    "You're gonna hear me out." Yeah, hear me out on this!
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  10. February 13th, 2004, 01:46 PM #10
    Penskills
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    I will reply..since you managed yo up this 8billion times..I will reply...this was nice...your imagery wal good..I was impressed!..keep up the good work@!@@@
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  11. February 14th, 2004, 03:20 PM #11
    Steven William
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    some more feed on this leave a link ill hit it...
    _-SyaNidal-_...Out
    __________________
    ScytsoPhrenia
    CrazyDope

    Put down the pebbles in my hand, climbed a ladder, put a brick right through your window.
    "You're gonna hear me out." Yeah, hear me out on this!
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  12. February 14th, 2004, 03:25 PM #12
    ~God Hand~
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    Flow and vocab was real nice on this one, plus it was one of the only love pieces around here that was actually enjoyable...everything overall was pretty good but i didnt understand the closer all too much, oh well it was still good man. keep it up
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  13. February 14th, 2004, 03:28 PM #13
    Steven William
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    Gonna Be Awhile tilll I put Part II out If I do...
    Been busy with dead to live and now
    im doin Tragic Death... which is one of my better
    so Im puttin my work into that one right now...
    uppin
    ScytsoPhrenia
    CrazyDope

    Put down the pebbles in my hand, climbed a ladder, put a brick right through your window.
    "You're gonna hear me out." Yeah, hear me out on this!
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  14. February 14th, 2004, 06:06 PM #14
    Steven William
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    can I get some feed on this please?
    ScytsoPhrenia
    CrazyDope

    Put down the pebbles in my hand, climbed a ladder, put a brick right through your window.
    "You're gonna hear me out." Yeah, hear me out on this!
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  15. February 15th, 2004, 11:28 AM #15
    Steven William
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    uppin..
    ScytsoPhrenia
    CrazyDope

    Put down the pebbles in my hand, climbed a ladder, put a brick right through your window.
    "You're gonna hear me out." Yeah, hear me out on this!
    Reply With Quote Reply With Quote
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