Checkin's due Thursday, Verses due Sat.
Minimum Line Limit - 32 lines
Topic - A fading smile
Checkin's due Thursday, Verses due Sat.
Minimum Line Limit - 32 lines
Topic - A fading smile
Last edited by Cels; May 3rd, 2005 at 11:27 PM
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..Checking In, G'Luck..
Last edited by Violent.; May 7th, 2005 at 05:59 PM
Topic- A Fading Smile
Idea- Teen Love, Both Were Taught To Advoid Intamicy, But She Had Sex And Gained HIV But Never Told, Then Our Relationship Turned Intamite.
_______________________________
In Our Relationship, Smiles Were Always Present.
We Didnt Do What Others Did, Just Shared Talents.
She Was Beautiful, Long Blonde Hair, Bright Blue Eyes.
Truth Is What We Told, Without Any Covering Disguise.
Respect Was Gained From Our Parents, It Was Perfect.
All Were Strict, But Marriage Is What They Did Predict.
We Were Taught Abstinence, Still Love Wasnt Absent.
Greatest Powers Couldnt Break Us, We Were Potent.
Long Talks On Phones Or Holding Hands, But Not Sex.
We Didnt Base Love On It, Nor Its Negative Effects.
We Walked In The Parks, Then Went Home After Dark.
Our Emotions Were High, Like A Defensive Bulwarks.
Friends Tempted Us For Intamicy, We Didnt Give In.
Never Got Under The Other Skin, Just Always Grinned.
Ate Dinner At Eachothers House, Deep Conversation.
Most Included Sex Talks, Telling Us To Stay Virgins.
We Grew Tired Of It, We Wanted To Experimate Now.
There Was Only One Problem, We Didnt Even Know-How.
I Talked To Friends, She Talked To Hers, We Found Out.
We Decided Against Our Parents, Not Going There Route.
Sex Was Tried, We Loved It, It Became A Priority To Us.
We Would Wait For Parents To Leave, Then Start The Rukus.
But One Day, I Went To The Doctor For A Sports Physical.
I Gained HIV From Her, She Lied, She Was Not Sterile.
Are Basis Of Relations Was Gone, Now That She Lied.
She Will Be Crushed, When Our New Worlds Now Collide.
Tears Ruin My Heart-Struken Eyes, As I Begin To Cry.
When It Comes To Sex, Why Would She Tell Me Lies?
Im Hurt For Life, From A Incurable Transmitted Disease.
Now Im Aware, This Girl Has Already Shared Her Body.
I Look Back And Realize That I Should Of Waited Awhile.
As I Clear My Throught, I Have A Disgusted, Fading Smile.
_______________________________
Good Luck Dawg.
damn im feeling that ima vote when the other cat drops.
A love that once burned, A lust brighter than fire
As my stress levels rose higher...
............ You saw it and ended my desire
In the begging we were perfect, we started off just fine
We had each other, I was yours and you were mine
So no lie, you were the one, Perfect body with those gleaming eyes
A love sent from above, I could see you were an angel in disguise
The say love dies, i thought for me this could never end, But I was wrong
I knew you were the one for me, Your heart is where I belong
A love that lasted so long But we never got anywhere
And I was the one showing love, And you ignored, Which was unfair
And the effort i made, Was more than anyone else had ever shown
But in that one night, I seen all effort go down the drain, Chance blown
A love now unkown, The fire was now becoming dimmer
And my love for you, Representing that fire was now becoming similiar
I tried my hardest, But that just wasnt good enough
And as you flirted with others, I stood my ground, Had to stand tough
Life became a bluff, My mind became foggy, although it sometimes cleared
And my love for you, Which one stood strong, had almost dissapeared
For my life i feared, My life was on its way down the drain
Like a train i was going through a dark tunnel, It was taking over my brain
But along you came, You changed my life, Turned it all around
You picked my up when i was down, Liften me from the ground
I was hell bound, But after you came i felt a desire for the future
I was really trying, Pushing every bit of love i had straight at ya
Everyone else stopped loving you, But for me that wasnt the case
Untorn heart, You tied me together, Like my shoe and its lace
So unlike mase, youll always be welcome back into my heart
And i prayed to god, that we would never be torn apart
And as my life came to an end, I know i drove you round the bend
But i had hard times, Cos it was all about your love, And that i had to defend
And now your gone, The light has out shone, You shown love once in a while
But now that im alone up here, Theres nothing to fear, But your fading smile
John Grant Died 11th April 2004, This Suicidal Poem Was Found Lying Next To Him Another Victim Of A Lost Love
Awh:
Emotional verse, i was feeling the vocab and the flow of it... but you should of done more syllable rhyming so it could flow even better. The storyline was good and was meant for very young couples who don't know about the dangers of AIDS, but u could have been way more creative with this and added something more shocking... like instead of that little intro where u basically told us she had AIDS, you could have not said that and surprised me while i read the verse.
Lord:
I felt some emotion, but not as much as Chew's verse... ur vocab was simplistic and the flow was stretched out. The presentation seemed sloppy, like u could have centered or made it a smaller size or any other trick to make it look more evened out. The storyline wasn't bad at all but the whole "suicidal cuz i lost my love" theme could have been used way more creative.
Conclusion:
As you can see from the feed-back, i think Awh took this for coming more creative and complex. His presense was better and just by reading both, i can tell Awh put more effort.
V/Awh.Chew
Up.
0-1
Awh:
I was feeling this, One of your best peices, I liked the structure, i think u can work on a different rhyme scheme, a more complex one.....Your vocab was nice, i was feeling the flow of everything.....Good Job man!
Lord:
This was an ok piece, ive seen u do better, but i guess you slipped....You had streched lines, and bad structure....Vocab was simplistic, and flow was off, i feel that you doubted Chew and just wrote a keyed topical, work on your structure and vocab.....But it was ok....Peace
Conclusion:
I think Chew., the underdog won, he came harder with his emotion and complexity
V/Awh.Chew
lord
your stucture is very bad and your flow fell a little i sugest using mutiples some time. but it was alright your imagery was decent but the fact that you just say the gurl is sexy a lot just fell i guess. your vocabulary wasnt really there. overall i thought you could come a lot better then this.
awh chew
damn man you really did elevate you beating lord anyway your stucutre was very good keep working like that your vocabulary was decent but i also dont see multiples try being creative with multis but your imagery was what won you the vote it was just very well done no repeating yourself this was just a very good peice by you.
vote: Awh Chew
Word you win Awh. I suggest you get 3 links otherwise those votes are Dqed.
I underestimated you. I couldnt read your verse cos my screen resouloution fucked..
Good job
Awh 1-1
Sylentz 2-2
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