Right the Wrong

[WhiteNoise]

there are different ways to write the wrong,
think hard and you might ignite a song,
no matter if u white or black,
go towards your goal like it was a full blown attack,
if he can spit thats all that you should take him for,
for auditions he doesn't even get past the door,
he hates the people who judge him but the judges more,
who didn't even give him the respect he was beggin for,
building up the confindence because he felt out of place,
because the kids around him had such a different face,
every kid thought they could spit to kill,
waitin for that break to earn 50 mill,
and really there was only one kid who was capable of that,
the one kid that they did not care to look at,
the one kid whos skin was different from theirs,
they just looked at him and said to themselves "ahh who cares"
just think of everyone as an equal people,
then save me some time of writing for another sequal,
so enough is enough this has gone on too long,
this is one way to right the wrong...


http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthre...75#post2660475
http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthre...07#post2660507

[Dan Dare]

You need to post two links, to two OMs you left decent feedback on, or this gets closed, thanks.

[WhiteNoise]

uppin...

[WhiteNoise]

uppin need some feedback

[Dae One]

just being honest when i say i wasnt feeling this dawg.....very simple ryhme scheme with abc'ish type ryhmes.... u need to work on multis....meta's.....or some kind of unique ryhme schemes.....it does flow nicely though but i think u can do much better than this..


peace....

[CAMROK]

^agreed.. on the fact, that i think you can do better then this..

not a criticism, however. i thought the piece was alright. it had a good meaning behind the overall piece and had a good message involved. flow was alright, but i think you could do alot more with this. like he said above, a more unique scheme to add some spice to the flow.. metas to capture the readers attention span. but not bad, keep up.. peace

[WhiteNoise]

uppin again....

[Foreshadow]

You can do better and lol at the michael jackson line.. Doesnt matter if your white or black.. The flow was basic and in that nature in this forum you have to up your game man.. I didnt connect with this piece because hell I just didnt.. But keep writing and look at some of the more established writers in the forum and see what they're writing abotu and how are they writing.. Keep Elevating.