One day you will feel me

[nunother]

This is my first post, so yea ima rookie- here it is tho

I got to make you feel this- without ticklin a nerve
I got to make you feel this- using these lifeless words
i dont know how im gonna do it wit this cheap ass pen
we all got imaginations---so imagine

Picture me tryin to spill my heart out, searchin for some relief
but gettin more frustrated starin at a blank sheet of loose leaf
I start a line, scratch it out so hard theres holes in the paper
dont use erasers- fold it up and then come back to it later
when later comes, i reach in my pocket and try it again
the fingers on my left hand beat out a anxious rhythm
I want you to feel what i feel, but youll never feel me
you will jus read what i write and live in my imagery
my eyes dart around lookin for clues to help me
while my foot steadily taps the floor to the sound of my heart beat
can you feel me? if only you could see my face
the emotion in this ink as i scribble on this page
the reality behind the letters i trace, leavin no space
margins are non-existant cuz a peice of my mind took their place
they say a pictures worth a thousand words
well, these words are worth thousands of moments
where i was tryin to force my innards out till i finally jus exploded
picture my pain, joy, sorrow, laughter, remorse, uncertainty and regret
tryin to break out of the dimminutive figures which contain them, restrained by the alphabet
like fat people in tight jeans, its bustin out the seams
i got to make you feel this, one day you will feel me

I know it needs to be better, but any feedback?

RESPECT ALL- FEAR NONE

[K-D]

yo this wasn't that bad....i liked it.... that i'm too paraniod cause i gotta make you feel what i write thing work'n....

shit was gud bro....two things.... stop doubt'n ya self// say'n shit ain't that gud, that you know it sux....

that jus like tryna search for pitty or whatever....not happen'n....

and also....seems like you were tryna make the bars rhyme.... even though a poem doesn't have to rhym... when you tryna make it rhyme.... don't stretch out the whole line and make it uneven with the previous one....that bout it...

don't listen to me though....what do i know... check my poems out... you'll see for ya self why you shouldn't

[nunother]

Good lookin- i understand what your sayin tho

[DaGyrlRemarqabL]

Sup nun..
I was really feelin this piece a lot, maybe cuz I, like a lot of writers prolly can, relate to it so much..The frustration described in the beginning...Also I thought you made very real points and put em into words and rythem flawlessly..Like:

>I want you to feel what i feel, but youll never feel me
you will jus read what i write and live in my imagery

Also you just took the imagery the extra lengths while staying on topic, just sparked my imagination and took an approach I wasn't even expecting. Like in this line:

>the reality behind the letters i trace, leavin no space
margins are non-existant cuz a peice of my mind took their place

Extremely tight bit right there.
Some other lines I liked were:

>they say a pictures worth a thousand words
well, these words are worth thousands of moments
where i was tryin to force my innards out till i finally jus exploded
picture my pain, joy, sorrow, laughter, remorse, uncertainty and regret
tryin to break out of the dimminutive figures which contain them, restrained by the alphabet

Very, very ill piece I thought. Even the intro was good, kind of set the scene for the concept.
Anyway, I thought you came nice, with more potential then most these other newbies put together.
Stay Up and keep writin! You're very talented.
Peace n propz.

[nunother]

thanks...glad somebody felt me!

[Varentao]

Damn, was going to press "reply to topic", but ended up pressing "buddy", so don't get freaked out if you get a message saying "Varentao has added you as a buddy" or something...(!!)..i've taken it off...

...so anyway, to the piece....

...it was a solid piece....i think it went off at times....i mean the topic was something quite a few people on here can relate to i think...but i felt at times it began to lack...just at times a bit blunt....maybe over elaborating..

...BUT...the raw imagery....just showing the intensity of what some of the emotions a 'writer' can go through...whilst going through the creative process....for me, bought it home...and overall, it was a quite well executed piece...

...i'd say it's very good for your first piece (or a rookie, as you call yourself)...actually, very very good....and well, bags of potential shown....with time and more writing....i can see those little things that make it only SLIGHTLY off at TIMES, so most of the time it was very good....but i was much worse as a 'rookie' than you are right now...

as i said, very good piece...liked it...respect...