You wear your bones
on the outside now.
The smile that once danced
at all our parties,
now a recluse.
Folded arms protect the place
where I once died;
A past eternity of joys
I knot my tongue, stem the flow of words;
Worthless now, disarmed
and dulled with use.
Two lives away still shiver
in these bitter winds.
Walking around glass houses,
compass broken,
no footsteps to retrace.
this was short but to the point it was ok but try being more clever an getting an cathcing attention of the reader keep it up an dont make your structure look soo.. newbish
lauryn, really now, what the fuck are you talking about?
this piece needs a bit of a push. it's really safe, i think you could have gone deeper with subject at hand but you don't nessecarily need to mak it longer. i love the opener, which is awesome because the first two and last two lines are what I usually base a poem on. if it can't pull me in or make me go "wow" at the end, then it probably wasn't a great piece. but you got me with that opener man, a clever way to say someone is shallow, or that they are bare. the first stanza is actually incredibly well worded, so are the middle lines but the last stanza leaves a lot to be desired. you've painted something so personal and the last stanza seems to be a bit general. i wish you would have dwelved deep in the last stanza and really get at the guts of this piece.
still good, enjoyed it a lot.
murder murder
Looking at it after reading your comments - I understand what you mean about the last stanza. I did actually have a little bit more that I cut out at last minute.
I should have maybe kept it in.
Lauryn, I'm not blowing my own trumpet but you should got and learn about writing or just don't leave comments.
As for Neruda II; Thanks, you are a great writer.
Make sure to follow the new rule man, no more then two pieces on the front page. So don't write again until more writers get their chance. Alright? Thanks.
Anyways, not a whole lot I can say after Neruda's feedback. He knows what he's talking about. For as simple and safe as you played it with this poem. I still was able to enjoy it alot man. Really smooth vibe with it. Wording was pretty nice, your style is real original. You seem like an oldschool writer. And I like that. Keep it up man.
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...573/index.html
Return the favor please.
I didn't know about the rule but that's my fault for not reading so thanks for sharing. ThanksOriginally Posted by Common West
I'll give everybody a break, so anything that was posted BEFORE I posted the new rule up. Don't panic, I won't close your pieces unless they broke previous rules.
Posting Rules
