to me this piece was cleverly put together i can tell you put alot of thought into each line an i liked the way you showin pure emotion within each line i would try to enforce a lil more imagery within your verse though its like you get into the imagery then u back out hitting it up with emotion a lil more but the emotion got me through the story i really wanted to read the final piece before i wrote what i thought about this piece
keep the pen drippin ink to the paper