Week 15: Euphoric vs Baron P. Mortuus-Euphoric Win

[Cody Nash]

Rules are the same as always... check the rules thread if you don't know.

[P. Mortuus]

hola

[Euphoric]

Goodluck.

[P. Mortuus]

Blood Money leaking out of holes
...I sip it’s streams for vengeance.


I shot her.
Struggled dancing to violence
likened her hair to a banshee, while diving
got the gun and she pulled harder
I pushed...rather the bullet shot farther
and she went down, oh my god
I killed her and lost the plot.

“Dave, DAVE! We gotta go.”
“What....no, it was an accident belie-“
“Forget it let’s go.”

Dave’s girl was on the floor, shot to the core
and me standing shocked to the core, quite a chore
but I moved him- and then it began.....
Dave wild with grief, and wild he ran.

Couple of days later I visited the waiter to pay her
A couple of notes and I’d date her, or had until later
when I met Sally, well the paid alibi should cover that
they won’t uncover that I had killed the girl- it’s bad
I get it- but I’m trying to forget it while regretting
kind of repenting- I paid John a fortune; sweating
my clothes coarse- I walked back for a last glance
I wanted to get the ring from her...cold hand
but........
She wasn’t there, no one no blood nothing dramatic
what the hell happened, I rang John but it’s static
I go to the reception, she tells me “Mrs. Stone just left”
How can that be possible, when I shot her dead?
“She left with a guy, he was with you earlier”...but how
with John...but...oh fuck I remember her now

Years Back
“Mr. Stone please, my son needs this. Please.”
“I’m so sorry Sharon but, we don’t have a donor right now”
“..but the Doctor said they had found one, please”
“I’m sure the good doctor was mistaken, I’m sorry.”

Of course I wasn’t, the kidney was money and she had none
I found her pitiful, and I waltzed off to the one who had some
The client was rich, quite happy really.
He gave me $150,000, my cut and I smiled dearly.

Back after the “Death”
“Dave, I can clean this up. You’ll wake up tomorrow and none of this would have happened. It will cost you though.”
“I killed her, Oh God John I shot her.”
“Dave, calm down we can get this under control”
“Sure, sure. How much John....oh my God, what am I asking. However much it’ll cost I can give, just please bury this.
“$150,000. It’ll cost $150,000.”

Present
Somewhere, a little far away. Two glasses clinked
and a couple laughed, drinking champagne.

[Euphoric]

Dedicated to my dad.

I really wasn’t going to write about you,
But here you come, all drunk, and starting to shout too;
I can’t live without you? How can you say that with a straight face?
When just your PRESENCE seems to imprison me, like a great cage;
Your slurs are my bars, while your words are my adamant steel…
As your screams make me wonder, how heartless can a man feel?


I really wasn’t going to write about you.


The original story, involved an assassin,
Who lived—with blood soaked hands—a life one can’t imagine,
And in such a fashion, he sent hopes and dreams crashing,
By slashing jugulars, and sending the gore splashing.
He turned innocent white snow, into pools of crimson red,
With both sinister lead, and bright steel, aimed straight to the head.

He was a murderer.

I had the story planned, a conceptual map charted
In fact, I had half the rap done…before this shit started.

Slamming the door, you walked in, boots echoing in the hall;
You shrugged off your bag, and instantly leaned against the wall.
The stench of beer, accompanied by a sense of dread,
Engulfed the whole house, prepping it for tears to be shed.
Then came the screams, the cursing, and the on-going orders,
As you ignored all moral borders, and proceeded to show us,
A crueler persona, portraying itself through your words
--Carefully chosen to slice at both mother and me, like swords.
Grandpa’s death still causes Mom to cry, and you know that too!
But shit, you STILL defile his memory…and laugh as her tears ensue.
Soon it’s a shouting match, and then the match ignites a flame,
Your temper ablaze—you scream at her, while she just fights the shame,
Of having to deal with such abuse, but still it’s no use,
She STILL loves you, and leaving’s an option she seems to refuse.
Soon she just sits there silent, and your lungs seem to tire out
--The silence seemingly doing wonders, to put your fire out.
Soon its sporadic yells and just occasional sniffles,
And it looks like things may actually become civil...
But then, just as the shouting and tears stop, you start anew;
Thinking you’re right, in a manner only YOU can construe.

Was it always this way?

I see pictures of you and Mom, holding hands together;
Leaning in and perhaps whispering the word “forever.”
She’s blushing red, while you’re standing there…her gallant knight,
You told her you fell for her hard, but you hadn’t right?
I mean, I thought love was eternal, and never faded?
Instead, now the brightness is gone, and everything’s shaded:
Where’d it go wrong, Dad? How the fuck did you become this way?
When did the shadow cover your heart, and decide to stay?

But whatever.

In this life of apathy, to live a life happily,
Seems to be, nothing more, than just a poor fool’s fantasy;
And perhaps that’s how it has to be:
A world devoid of all sanctity,
Where not ONE person can be, standing free,
Of the harsh agony, that angrily
Consumes believers of the fallacy,
Of the concept of love—just a spark for tragedy.

You should’ve known all that, before you signed up for marriage,
Guess we all got stuck, when Mom’s pumpkin-- was no longer a carriage.

The assassin killed hundreds, doling out no amnesty.
You never killed a soul (as murder’s not done handily),
But you’re a murderer still, since you've--quite practically--
Murdered the very concept...of this happy family.

And I won't forgive you.

[FreshADiddle]

VOTING REMINDER

-Vote on 4 battles & drop links in your check-in, -1 vote for every missing link
-Give a reasonable explanations for your votes
-Don’t ask someone to vote in your battle or you will be DQed
-The mod will decide on an individual basis if votes from people outside the league will count

[Composure]

Alright - Interesting battle here.

P. Mortuus had the more original storyline, but I felt that the constant dialogue and choppy lines gave the piece a jerky feel and it was difficult to really get into it fully. I had to read yours a couple times to get the twist of the verse. I felt the rhyming and structure wasn't quite polished enough which took away from it as well. If you would've done a little better job portraying the plot and making sure it was fluid, I think it would've been miles ahead of your opponent's piece.

Euphoric had a classic story of a drunk and abusive father and went for the metaphor of murder to tie in the topic. While it was the not most original verse out there, it did include some literary elements that a verse should have. The flow was a lot smoother with more multis and still some decent similis and a relevant closer. Imagery was more evident and helped create the scene.

Overall, I'll give props to P. Mortuus for the better concept, but the lack of execution to follow through with it really hurt him. Euphoric by no means had a vastly superior verse, but did come with a better written verse. Enough so to overshadow his lack of creativity on the topic.

Vote = Euphoric

[Silk Sky]

mort- hmmm great idea, sloppy execution. The problem is (imo) you were way too "jumpy"- you have fourish different scenes in one verse- imo thats a lil much for the length- Just as I was starting to understand one scene, bam on to the next. If youre going to attempt something like this, you're gonna have to integrate them better by lengthening each part and I also think having an ongoing meta or refrain would really tie your verse up nicely (where each part of your verse adds a slightly different spin on the meta- that would be dope, no?) Wording was okay, flow was decent (I saw a few hiccups but nothing big), just gotta work on the overall presentation of your concept.

euphoric- I thought this was pretty creative...not the concept itself, but how you presented it- it felt very believable and quite emotional. and imo you managed to integrate your concepts very well and tied them together perfectly at the end. Flow and wording were great too. Only real criticism was one of your metas (the cage one at the beginning) was a little cliche.

vote- euphoric, for a more cohesive piece.

[Northern Beggar]

P. Mortuus - I genuinely liked the story. But like Silk mentioned, the execution was kind of sloppy. The flow was really hard to catch, i was really struggling with that. Normally i don't care too much for that dept as long as the concept or story is sound, but here, it was just too obvious. As far as the plot goes, i really liked it. You incorporated the week's topic well and on top of that, you painted a picture on karma to reinforce the overall concept you were going with. good stuff, bro.

Euphoric - I have to admit, i did chuckled a bit when i read the first two stanzas. I can only imagine that the puprose for them was to develop the character of the father somehow. I like this story. I read a lot smoother than ur opponent with some very nice imageries. A couple lines really stood out for me:

But then, just as the shouting and tears stop, you start anew;
Thinking you’re right, in a manner only YOU can construe.

^^very nice character description. As far as the con of the story...well i've read these kind of story before. But i still like the way you twist the topic to match your own. cool shit.

vote - Euphoric. I liked Baron's story a little more, for its ambitious factor, however i thought Euphoric's verse was a bit more polish with written at a higher level.

[Atlas329]

Euphoric: There's a lot of emotion in this verse. the descriptions are pretty vivid and the images stand out. it flowed well with some good rhyme schemes here and there. I wouldn't really call this kinda thing played because real life shit is never really played. The emotion is what stood out the most here. really got through.

Mortuus: The story was pretty imaginative. It had me lost a bit, but it seemed intentionally confusing to mirror the guy's confusion as to the whole situation. The flow was also pretty erratic. Rhyme schemes also fell short pretty often. This was a good story, and i'm gonna consider the seemingly weak mechanics necessary to the story (especially since you're a poetry dude).

v/ Euphoric. Good battle, but he pulled it with the emotion.

[Malice]

P. Mort: i love that you went with a con. i didnt actually think of it before because i came up with my concept pretty quickly, but i would of loved to of taken the murder concept, and used the lack of a murder as the core of the idea, this being the ideal scenario. the story itself was pretty decent, but it was also very choppy, kinda skippy, overall you had to have alot of detail to execute this idea, but at the same time you were relating it in a vague manner(a little too vague), which has me torn, the vagueness of the concept is what draws you in, but you go so far as to leaving out transitioning phrases that are key to the flow of the idea. i also felt that you carried a more simplistic rhyme scheme due to the abundance of dialogue, which was important to a degree for the coherence of the piece. overall i really enjoyed the idea more than anything. fair attempt.

Euphoric: gotta say, quite possibly my favorite from you. although the core story was a tad cliche, ultimately i feel you flipped it in an original manner. i loved how you created the flow of thought feel from the author. that perspective is pretty rare and very refreshing, and i ultimately felt you used a pretty good back story to accent that. strong emotion, you had better vocab then P had in his verse and the flow and coherence of the whole piece was just a tad smoother than mr. mort came with.

Overall: Conceptually i enjoyed both pieces for very different reasons, but i think euphoric was able to capture the emotion of it so much better as well as keeping with consistent vocab and plot development. very enjoyable match. good stuff guys.

v. Euphoric

[FreshADiddle]

Euphoric wins via KO