Week 15: Bobericc vs Soulstice-Soul Wins

[Cody Nash]

Rules are the same as always... check the rules thread if you don't know.

[_Lyrics]

I promise ill be here this time soul...

[soulstice.]

checking

[FreshADiddle]

VOTING REMINDER

-Vote on 4 battles & drop links in your check-in, -1 vote for every missing link
-Give a reasonable explanations for your votes
-Don’t ask someone to vote in your battle or you will be DQed
-The mod will decide on an individual basis if votes from people outside the league will count

[soulstice.]

Middleclass Murder
(death of a fantasy)

Here we are - she's cycling between fear and hope
Another waking nightmare 'neath this dreary dome
Here her spirit drones - through a taxing vortex
The reflection before her wracks her cortex
Eyes black as corpses.. tattooed hieroglyphics
That tell tales of falling shy of limits - of when her welfare
Met his violent physics - of her failing spine's persistance...
... Even Atlas shrugged - her wailing eye's exhibit
What the bastard's done -
She quivers at thoughts of scorn she's consumed
as she senses that familiar chorus of doom..

"Where the FUCK is my beer!? I've had a long day at work
I need a bottle of Bud to stave off my thirst
And why're the windows ajar - this place is the worst!
I pay for the heat bitch, it's tough keeping peace of the mind
When my cash flows out the window - you'll be sleeping outside!"
Speechless, she hides - knee-jerk reaction to this creature's retraction
From all peaceable action - like lashes from her knees up her thighs
Or the wailing and crying and bleeding at night

"WOMAN!" - she breaks and runs down, begging for mercy
Her hair is a mess, and she's disheveled and dirty
His presence unnerving - she's shaking a bit
When she recalls last night filled with anger and hits
"It's dangerous, bitch".. he grumbles in darkened tones
As she prepares herself for his hardened barbs and blows
Her heart erodes.. as he says "to appear to me like THAT"
"No make up! No mascara, in fact..
She puts on the silent act.. "you don't have the skin for au natural"
The natural light of this earth can't hold your flaws back at all!!"
The action stalls - as he squints into her eyes, pondering decision
And she stares softly back - freed from the populace of prison

Cycling between fear and hope - the year the two, dear, eloped
Forever and always - white dress and teary chokes
A promise, a kiss, and infinite vows...

"take THIS you hideous cow!"
A black eye can do what no blush will ever do! Damage
to convince you to go get me a brew and sandwich!"

In the kitchen - the fridge filled with ham, cheese, and beer
And a bottle that expels thoughts of fleeing here
It feeds her spirit.. as she reaches near it
A bottle of wine that they drank on their honeymoon
When they shared something few had ever tasted
And she thinks deep within, true love has never faded
It HAD to get the best of hatred - cycling between hope and fear
As her lunchtime meal is met with a corrosive sneer..

"WHAT DID I MARRY YOU FOR" - the jab melts her memories
As the shots to her temple ring the bells of destiny
Her mentals bent and beat - her face and her eye's bruised
To the tune of "NOBODY will ever love you like I do!
You're too chubby, too stupid, too slow, and too useless!
And clueless to the fact that YOU'RE MAKING ME do this!"
Her two lips, bleeding gums, heart feeling numb
She plays a fading bass line to her back's beaten drums
The creature hums along "Dumb pig, now remember you fell down the stairs
That's the story in case you get any questions or stares
You better beware - leave friends and family out of the matter
I know you better than them" he keeps spouting this blather
She's surrounded by laughter, as he makes a joke to himself
"haha... stupid bitch" - next, his bottle goes to the shelf
And she's alone by herself - he's left to the bar...
As she pulls out a locket and cranes her neck to the stars

beautiful...
Heaven's up there... she's cycling between fear and hope
Forgetting about the barbs with which he spears her nodes
Glancing out the window to young love on a bike ride
Two smiles and a kiss paint the summery skyline
Her mouth floats a sigh by.. and the futures idling
she just watches the pre-nuptial cycling
Wondering what the night will bring, for both
cycling
between fear and hope


wow i had not realized iwrote this much. i suck.

[_Lyrics]

Deception.

deception's about shameful mistakes, painfully placed
on the conscience of monsters, tasting the rain
of dark clouds that crawl out over faces of blame
the dimmest lights, premptive strikes shaking a frame
defensive fights taking it's place, forever night's and
the lateness of day drag the sky like a cape or a drape
waiting to prey, they stay lurking in a different world
the same purpose, paid, working with a big referal
swish and swirl through the air, evading and chasing
where her babies are stationed, invading her sanctum
trading a payment, visitation's entertainment
deranged and replaced, generating generations
caution occurs, doesn't matter who started the war
problems are born, appendages mocking their form
before its absorbed, it attacks and grabs its victim
infact it's living a parasitic, sad existence
grasp specifics, die and replay, clashing rhythmic
silently waits till the time is of age for a maddened mimic
pumped seeds through one sting then rested in peace
no stopping the swapping when it's nested the feast
inject and release, inspecting the wings to imitate
assembled a team to incubate in the risks she takes
movements so quick, you can't catch it on film
yet essentially still when ready to preventively kill
the level it fills, infecting a meal to pass it like aids
looks for food to eat, bluish green, metallic encased
faster than flames dancing to a moths disintegration
new to revelry.. to the enemy, all delicious tasting..


deception's about braking a pact, shanking the backs
of closest friends till a lower sense of greatness is passed
a train on the tracks, unstoppable.. brakes are motorless
aiming scoped, waits for hopelessness, raised a soloist,
face it's cloning tricks, moments tick and move britte
it's grips pull, like a grim skull with two sickles
lacerated.. it's fascinated by the lunch befriended
the pack it ate with, catenated as it's undetected
aggitated when its stomachs clenching it's instinct
dinners a big thing when your considered conflicting
the senses it will bring, sink in the eyes of beholders
colonies killed by demising the rise of it's soldiers
what if a wise man once told ya, wisdom's dismissive
the real point of knowledge is the image of crypsis
rigged calypsis.. gripping prententious, it's open arms
the final mistake, living the lessons to grow upon
swore its gone, camoflauged severer of lose blends
raptor claw, predecessor predator, in wolf skin
ruling over any other, this monster's obsessive
while adopting discretion with stalking acceptance
swimming among minoes with the mind of a shark
before lashing out at the ones who quietly drop
violently sharp, there's no soul you could turn to
it's motives be geometry and rolls with it's circle
in confusion, done projecting a glut connection
chums defending its dependence on the unsuspecting
overrun succession, keep your head in the clouds
but just be careful of who you let in your crowd..


deception's about..
verse 1-Podagrion SP. (mantis parasitic wasp)
http://www.ozanimals.com/image/album...P7868-edit.jpg

verse 2-Climaciella brunnea (wasp mantidfly)
http://farm5.static.flickr.com/4036/...4ced4f05_o.jpg

[oatmeal]

Soulstice: First time I've read something from you, and I was definitely impressed. I like the angle you took (aptly titled, too); instead of physical murder, the killing of the woman's dreams of love and a pleasant home life. I think it was paced well, and I liked how you framed the story with narration. Overall the writing was pretty solid throughout, too, can't say anything struck me negatively.


bob:

another person who's work I have yet to read, and also another introduction I was impressed with. This worked well rhythmically, and I really enjoyed the creativity in your approach. It read well as a metaphor as well as a description of the insect behavior, which I really enjoyed. Lots of great descriptions and overall use of language in there, too.

Vote: This is incredibly hard to decide upon. Both took interesting angles, though I would give the creative edge to Bob in that area; I thought he attempted more with his verse, and executed it cleanly. Flow and language was pretty even, though I think bob had a slight edge when it came to diction. Def could go either way, but I was feeling Bob's verse just a little bit more for that extra layer of creativity he had. Both had dope pieces though.

[Silk Sky]

eek tough battle here

soul- I loved your concept- it was clean and very emotional with enough imagery to hold the story together. I think at the end I would have liked to see a line that connects your story to murder- I get your concept, but sometimes telling us at the end will help tie your whole story together nicely. I did catch the repeat of the "cycle" meta- that was brilliant imo.

bob- great flow and nice vocab. The concept was cool but idk maybe its because I'm a woman, but it didn't really draw me in as much as soul's did. If just taken from a technical aspect, yours is slightly better than soul's, but when it comes to provoking emotion and engaging the reader, I'd have to go with soul.

yikes, I agree with oatmeal, this could go either way, but my vote goes to Soulstice for a SLIGHTLY more engaging piece. great battle fellas.

[Malice]

Soulstice: a little lengthy and i felt the content was a bit safe, but at the same time the way you chose to title the material and the context of the topic, gave it a sense of originality and a strong creative feel, i loved the title and subtext. and it was very fitting to the material. the way you finished the verse was hands down the best part of it, connecting the idea of the cyclists to her own life was a beautiful thing.

Bobericc: i think you did an excellent job with vocab and multis, the fast pace feel to this was more appealing to me then soul's. the only complaint i had with this piece was a slight sense of vagueness when it came to the murder factor, i think you could of, at times, been more diliberate with tying murder into the concept of deception. but ultimately that was just me trying to find something missing i guess.

Overall: i found it hard to compare the concepts, i felt the both had creative ideas within their own realms, bobericc being in the scientific/technical realm, and soulstice's touch on the side of imagery/romance. ultimately it came down to the creativity and personal taste, i think bobericc took a more profound leap with his peice and also carried a slightly better level of rhyme scheme that edges this for him. possibly the BoTw. great verses from both..keep up

v. Bobericc

[soulstice.]

where the votes where the votes where the votes at

[Atlas329]

Soul: Your concept was pretty played, but that wasn't really a problem for me except for the sandwich part, which i thought was just way too predictable. Otherwise, i think you managed to make it fresh by the raw emotion of it and the amount of empathy and sympathy you managed to evoke from the reader. The dialogue was intense, powerful and pretty convincing, which really helped the piece. The rhymes and flow were really nice, except i'm still occasionally struggling to flow with the whole abab scheme lol. but that's just me. do you. this was a really nice piece imo.

Bobericc: This concept was clearly more original than soul's and it was executed relatively well. My real beef with this piece is, i got no problem with rants, but i just felt like there was nothing that was grabbing my attention and pulling me in. Don't get me wrong, it was definitely well-worded and your metaphors were executed well, but it jsut never caught my attention. As for mechanics, the flow was definitely smooth all the way through and the rhyme schemes were nice besides a couple of awkward ones. This was well done overall.

v/ Soul. really it was just more entertaining to me.

[Northern Beggar]

Soulstice - What really made this work was the title of the piece. As oatmeal already touched upon, the title was very appropriate for the concept you went with. The story was nothing new but was really digging the "cycle" motif that youve incorporated in. You labeled it a cycling between fear and hope, i call it perpetuating a cycle of violence. Which leads me to another strength of the piece: The character development. I felt your verse was pretty similar to Composure's verse except you gave it more spice by creating a sympathetic character that really upped the emotional factor. And there were a couple of slick wordplay in there also, lol. And with the case for many verse this week, the plot isn't really anything new. But what was lacking i originality was made up for by emotional depth.

Boberric - You opted for a more metaphorical take of this week's topic. I was really feeling what you did here. So i can only guess that the first verse was about the insect queen and the problem surrounding her plight..or flight lol, with an underlying commentary on single mothers and disease or something(Thats what i got out of it, lol. That "problem was born" line was clever). I thought it worked pretty well on both level. The second stanza was about the "wasps" among us; the back stabber(clever!) or the disloyal ones. The concept made for some nice descriptive language and thats what i really liked about it. However, as much as i try, i just couldn't really get into the story. It was very artistic and well written but it just wasn't that entertaining(at least to me anyways).

thoughts - After reading it many times, i'm gonna give my vote to soulstice. Bob had the better flow and better concept but i cant ignore the comparative entertainment value of the two piece. Sure bob's verse was, dare i say it, better written, but in term of a complete package, it has to entertain the reader as well. Soul was out-written, in term of concept and technicals but it was more entertaining with that appropriate touch of humanistic quality about it . Great job, guys. BOTW.

vote - Soulstice

[Euphoric]

great battle between the two of you.

soul: you had great emotion and wording--accompanied with a nice flow. But what I liked most about your piece was the way that you portrayed the whole story to the reader; the execution of the plot. I thought that your emotion, the dialogue, imagery--they all worked together well to just draw the reader in and keep him captivated. I also liked how you built up the piece--describing her treatment by the guy, her appearance, and her emotions as a whole. Overall, a very well written piece.

bob:
in terms of concepts, I thought your topic was pretty creative and original. On a side note, I thought it was pretty interesting the fact that the two insects had names that were somewhat similar, one being a wasp and the other being a wasp fly sort of thing--they also looked kinda alike. Anyway, you had a great flow, probably a result of the nice rhyme scheme. No real negativities, as far as I see.

This battle was really quite close. In the end, soulstice's emotion carried it a little more for me than the conceptual creativity of bob. The enjoyment factor is what really decided it for me and I could visualize soul's piece a little better.

Therefore, V/soul

[FreshADiddle]

Soul wins in a close one. Nice battle.