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Thread: Lake Verte

  1. April 9th, 2011, 07:39 PM #1
    Solidus
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    Lake Verte

    Moonlit silohuettes dance across the bathroom walls,
    Spoon filled with no less than a sugar cube as water falls.
    The boundaries of this room have become a canvas of:
    Art, Absence, & Silence.
    Soundless & free to consume with cannabis;
    Now I lay 'Absinthe-minded...'
    Unable to speak,
    Answer to seek,
    Reaching my peak...
    Can you hear the cries of the "Accent-Blinded"?
    Beneath the surface of water in this bathtub - My Lake...
    Wait...Just concentrate, let my mind repeat the statement just made.
    Could this really be true...is this really 'MY' Lake?
    'MY' Water? 'MY' Spoon? 'MY' Reality of Sin?
    The Green Fairy called me Napolean amongst these waters below;
    Pardon my French, but it seems this story is fucked like Nemo -
    Cursed to swim without the right Fin...


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    Last edited by Solidus; April 9th, 2011 at 07:58 PM

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  2. April 10th, 2011, 08:33 PM #2
    Solidus
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    Re: Lake Verte

    Bumpin for feed...

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  3. April 10th, 2011, 08:36 PM #3
    Tr!gga
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    Re: Lake Verte

    Fuck.. That was poetic as fuck. I guess it's about u smokin in ur bathroom and just having deep thought in shit. Honestly I'm not sure cuz I nvr read anything even similary to this. It's so different from the norm. Good shit tho.
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  4. April 10th, 2011, 08:42 PM #4
    Solidus
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    Re: Lake Verte

    Preciate it, Folk. I was diving into a new concept Ive been fuckin around with. Absinthe is an interestin experience...

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  5. April 10th, 2011, 09:35 PM #5
    The Dead
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    Re: Lake Verte

    Moonlit silohuettes dance across the bathroom walls,
    Spoon filled with no less than a sugar cube as water falls.
    The boundaries of this room have become a canvas of:
    Art, Absence, & Silence.
    Soundless & free to consume with cannabis;
    Now I lay 'Absinthe-minded...'

    The lay up is there it's just poorly executed. It does show that you have talent for being unique.

    Unable to speak,
    Answer to seek,
    Reaching my peak...

    The rhyme scheme is solid, rock solid. I must say though that you are "reaching" when it came to "Answer to seek". Solid rhyming.

    The Green Fairy called me Napolean amongst these waters below;
    Pardon my French, but it seems this story is fucked like Nemo -
    Cursed to swim without the right Fin...

    Powerful imagery here. I wonder what you were smoking when you thought about this, hehe. 'Cursed to swim without the right Fin". I love the double meaning to the End in this. Good job.

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    Last edited by The Dead; April 10th, 2011 at 09:45 PM
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  6. April 10th, 2011, 09:50 PM #6
    Hatejacket
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    Re: Lake Verte

    Art, Absence, & Silence.
    Soundless & free to consume with cannabis;
    Now I lay 'Absinthe-minded...'
    Unable to speak,
    Answer to seek,
    Reaching my peak...
    Can you hear the cries of the "Accent-Blinded"?

    Love this part. The whole piece is very poetic and really stands out to me as I'm new here. I'll remember this as the first piece I read here. And that's not a bad thing at all. Solid work. The Nemo wordplay at the end was good too.
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  7. April 10th, 2011, 09:52 PM #7
    Solidus
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    Re: Lake Verte

    Preciate the solid feedback from everyone. Criticism given as due, I will definitely work to improve...the only peace I strive for.

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  8. April 10th, 2011, 10:49 PM #8
    Kid Craze
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    Re: Lake Verte

    Yo this was mad poetic (as prviously mentioned) its got a real chill feel to it and paints a pretty cool interesting picture. I loved the word play that was used in the "absinthe-minded" line that was really unique to me and shows great figurative language. The rhyme scheme was edging between somewhat advanced and simple, try to put more advanced vocab and insane rhymes yo. I also feel like you could work on a more stable flow, this was perfect for poetry but as for rap it lacked a lil flow, try syllable structure or write to a beat to improve the flow. This was a nice piece, different, but not as good as it could be, try expanding it and workin on what i mentioned bruh, take it up a level.
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  9. April 11th, 2011, 06:32 PM #9
    Solidus
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    Re: Lake Verte

    Final Bump for Feed...

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  10. April 14th, 2011, 12:10 PM #10
    ArcherPriest
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    Re: Lake Verte

    pure peote poetry my brotha
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