Trajik (4-7) vs. Baron P (4-3)

[Brandon Cee]

Rules and Regulations

Please note the due times in the rules. Be on time, and as always, good luck!

[trajik]

Who likes short shorts?

Baron, join me for this next part please.

Trajik/Baron: We like short shorts!

Votes
http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthre...942/index.html
http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthre...html?p=8226193

[trajik]

Another double...

Good luck Baron, not that you need it lol. I might just reserve a hospital bed in preparation for the ass kicking I'm going to receive.

[P. Mortuus]

Seeing as i will be writing from a phone whilst in pakistan i say you have a great chance. Goodluck man.

[trajik]

I'll keep it stocked in me under lock and key: this secret,
Mocking me, attempting to shockingly reveal it's pretext
I swore on my life, it goes to the grave, becoming enslaved
I'm adoring the strife, it knows my craving's not worth what I gave
Recently this secrecy, increasingly  ceasing decency
As it proves lunacy with a fluency in truancy 
Insanity subsides ignoring vanity's upsides 
Like a manatee's love life, absentee or on the rough side
It's kept bottled up, the secret has my mental huddled up
Like a child that's coddled up, it needs to throttle up
With the twelve gauge loaded, I aim at my corroded brain
Pulling the trigger, leaving secrets on the wall as a blood stain


Thanks for the ext. Sorry I couldn't write a better verse for you.

[P. Mortuus]

Sure man

[P. Mortuus]

Content with Contempt

Scared and alone, living at home
Just a city pavement upon which i roam
snake eyes, beads and scrape knees bleed
so when i walk to leave trash trails behind me
Blindly- leaf for bandages can't manage this
Strangling each word curdled truths hurt
So when i ask for change i birth a curse
i breathe life to stereotype
Piss stained jeans fit to tight
no one misses me nor remembers
i am a forgotten god, with faithless members.

[Malice]

yikes, uber short verses this week fellas, here it goes:

Trajik: interesting to say the least, what i liked about this was mostly wordchoice, you stuck to it pretty well and kept it relevant to topic

This....bar...hmmm..

Insanity subsides ignoring vanity's upsides
Like a manatee's love life, absentee or on the rough side
the first line is just nonsensical, a negative subsides at the fault of ignoring the upside of another negative, to me just seems like misused filler, the second line though had me rolling, funny, creative and appropriately used in context, a bit out of place in the sense that you randomly stuck a simile in there but ill let that go, nit picking really.

Overall: enjoyable for what it was, but the ending was very anti-climatic, in the sense that you almost took a cheat way out, you talked up the secret you've been holding this whole verse and then.....boom....no secret or context surrounding the secret, it just seemed flat to me(plus the gun/pullin the trigger on the last line bit is one that is done frequently, without some sort of unique presentation it is a bit cliche).

Baron P: This was better than what i anticipated, i though for sure there was going to be a shallow concept to go with the light concept, but you came through with something unique and actually quite relevant to life today. Don't get me wrong, this could use work, its bare content had soooooooooo much potential that wasnt taken advantage of...

Overall: This was half decent for what it was, concept was decent and the twist was enjoyable.

Breakdown

Both came with very short verses, Trajik put more effort into his overall presentation but came up really short on concept, whereas Baron came with a hot concept and short on some of the more generic stuff, this was hard but since ultimately this a topical league, and seeing as the main difference in the verses was the twist that BP delivered whereas Trajik didnt put alot of the thought into his concept, hopefully both you can show up with some more content next week, keep up.

v. BARON

[Express'on]

I'll keep it stocked in me under lock and key: this secret,
Mocking me, attempting to shockingly reveal it's pretext

veyr good opener

I swore on my life, it goes to the grave, becoming enslaved
I'm adoring the strife, it knows my craving's not worth what I gave
Recently this secrecy, increasingly ceasing decency
As it proves lunacy with a fluency in truancy

u r really getting caught in ur rhyme scheme, the last 2 lines must become more polished especially on a battle this short.

Insanity subsides ignoring vanity's upsides
Like a manatee's love life, absentee or on the rough side

I like this, good rhyme scheme and decent funni

It's kept bottled up, the secret has my mental huddled up
Like a child that's coddled up, it needs to throttle up

Theres too much going on the off-rhyme really isnt helping because of the close proximity, and it just sounds bad honestly

With the twelve gauge loaded, I aim at my corroded brain
Pulling the trigger, leaving secrets on the wall as a blood stain

Alot of repetition in secrets here. I would have liked to see u more creative when developing this story in order to stop from using the same word. I kno at times it seems like the only word to use based on rhyme scheme/direct meaning (I do the same thing) however with a piece this short it really shows. Good write however.


Content with Contempt

Scared and alone, living at home
Just a city pavement upon which i roam
snake eyes, beads and scrape knees bleed
so when i walk to leave trash trails behind me

hmmm...I want to see what this idea develops to..decent opener

Blindly- leaf for bandages can't manage this
Strangling each word curdled truths hurt
So when i ask for change i birth a curse

huh? the first line cool...mended well with the last 4...however I am not sure about the last 2 it is a huge transition in the story

i breathe life to stereotype
Piss stained jeans fit to tight
no one misses me nor remembers
i am a forgotten god, with faithless members.

The last line really through me off...I felt I had ur concept howver ur last line really takes me on a tangent I think ui tried to fill in the contempt part at the last moment u really needed a few more lines to develop fully however I feel up to that last line u did exceptional in the idea imo of homeless children (most likely ethnic) filling sterotypes...begging...I think that was transparent unless I am, totaling missing something. just the last line doesnt work for me

honestly I orginally had this going to trajik but after rereading both of these my vote transferred, both needed more substance I just think baron nailed his imagery quite a bit better

vote baron

[Brandon Cee]

Baron wins (5-3)
Trajik loses (4-8)

CLOSED

[Brandon Cee]

Baron wins (5-3)
Trajik loses (4-8)

CLOSED