I came to win

[Heaven]

Yo, if you guys havent heard of Nikki Minaj's new song fly then you wont catch my flow. Nonetheless, i wanna make a remix of it with rihanna singing the hooks and me rapping. Not such a bad idea is it?
Im not too sure though, this kinda jumps from topic to topic but id like some feed back
ive come up with just one verse, should do one more if i continue with my project.


I came to win, to fight, to conquer, to thrive
I came to win, to survive, to prosper, to rise
to fly
to fly

[Rap]
I wish today was the sunniest day
maybe it will take my mind away
trying to forget that you are gone
my brain says yes my heart says no
i think thats why im losing it all
when i stand up, i always fall
you left with no reason, look back in time
you cant be a convict if you dont crime
time goes by, it's still the same
hoping that you could remember my name
somehow you just think this is a game
saying it is easy but you cant feel my pain
the struggle i went through fucked my ways
heart's bleeding for days and days
i just wanna win, you made me lose the game
just like biggie, tupac nigga use your brain.


http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthre...981/index.html

http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthre...675/index.html

[Voyce Box]

I'm not saying this was the worse drop I ever seen in my life. I would be lying if I said that.. My intentions are not to sound cocky when I say what I'm about to say.. I'm just gonna try and help you elevate, since that is what these kinda sites are about..

This seemed a little too simplistic to me and i'll explain why... I understand you wrote it over a beat, but Hip Hop isn't just about a nice beat and rhyming words. You need to involve actual writing skills. I'm gonna try my best to point you in the right direction and maybe help you out a bit.. The first thing I noticed was the rhyme scheme, how simple it was.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxRHYMING WORD
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxRHYMING WORD
That's the pattern you pretty much took here. But, to improve the flow you should mess with it a little bit..
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxRHYMING WORD
xxxxxRHYMING WORD, xxxxxxxxRHYMING WORD
See what i mean?
But, that probably wouldn't have bothered me, if you packed this verse with some other stuff as well..
There's a bunch of things you can do to bring a piece alive.
My first example will be similes. This is quite easy. It's just using 'like' or 'as' in a line, or bar.
"My heads about to blow like a stick of dynamite."
"I'm hot as lava"
And, then, you got Puns that are used a lot in hip hop.. This is easy too. I'll take a line by Big L on this one as an example.
"i'm far from broke, got enough bread
and mad hoes. ask beavis, i get nothing butt-head"
And, most importantly, include some kinda Imagery.. It doesn't have to be a lot. It doesn't have to be the best. But, make it enough so people can actually catch really strong emotions from it.
You can use shit like Dead Metaphors they call them.. "God of War".. Heart of Gold".. It's just using the 'of' word every now and then..
And, what I noticed people love on here are Extended Metaphors.. It's easy too, since I already described what a simile is.. It's like, you'd take the 'like' line and add onto to it, extending it. Common sense, right? It's done in poetry a lot too.
You can use personifications.. You just non living things human qualities.. Like, take this for example- "When I let shots off, my bullets will bite you." My bullets are the non living thing and the human quality I gave it was "bite". It's pretty easy.. And creative.
And, implicit metaphors, like...
"shut your trap" - (trap = mouth)
I'm just giving you a few things to work with..

And, before I forget, multis..
You wanna use these because they help improve the flow a lot. And here's an examples, rhyming words like "ill rhymes", "still mine" and "kill time".. It's important but even I am guilty of not using them sometimes. Don't ever sacrifice a piece just for the sake of trying to use them. It will just create a mess... I been guilty of that as well.

I hope you appreciated the advice. I'll wait for your next drop to see what else you come with.

[Heaven]

ahahah yea man i catch your drift. this was the first time i ever rap :P i only did this cause im suspended from school and im bored as f*ck. ahah although, i shall use your advice and PROBABLY make another rap. thanks man =D

[trajik]

This is very simple, very simplistic rhyme scheme, try using internal rhymes and multis to create a smoother flow, not that I found your flow to be a problem though. Your wording here was very simplistic, try beefing up vocabulary and smoother, more complex ways of saying your lines. That said your concept and content are nice and you have a great idea to run with, but there's some things to learn and if you like, PM for any clarifications of what I said or for help on getting better. You definitely have some potential with a little bit of work.

[N.F.M.]

Short. Simple. Spicey. It wasn't entirely original, but you still made it yours. Not a bad drop. Could've been longer, could've been many things - But it wasn't, it was you, and I think you did alright. Keep elevatin.

[Heaven]

Hey guys i really appreciate your comments. Yea this was real short, pretty simple too. I've made another one since Voyce Box ever gave me that tutorial, i sat with my thesaurus and wrote away ahah its a bit choppy, but id love if y'all check it out

http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthre...04#post8261604

[Skitzo]

you definatly gotta step your game up lines were way to short and very basic try the use of multies and instead of being so upfront with wat your writing try to make the reader think or go back to your verse and say damn aight.... this was very weak to me all i can say is work at it and keep elevating