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[thatdudeB]

whenever i strike an emcee the hoes family mention church
see cuz when i get stupid you'll find me in a weapon search
was born far away from heaven so don't be questioning my intensity
living far from the truth now like i'm befriending my enemy
coming from a different atmosphere where yall best go beg
hitting all shapes colors and sizes, punches connect like a lego set
and don't be putting words in my mouth i don't claim to bust bisquits
word for word i'm gamey with this shit, driving a mack, fuck aim, theres no limit
now the authorities wanna know how i tick
when theres no answer to grasp i'm too slick
i'm wearing the truth out, no triicks no sleeves i be ripping tees like hogan
and every words chosen to perfection but i'm not slanging these when spoken
i'm just creating a new level, one where you read between the lines
and no vice versa, to see me is too hear me like the deaf seen the blinds
wishing for more cuz pains all around as i pray to the lord
as i put any movement down, no claming like a wigi board

[thatdudeB]

http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthre...210/index.html
http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthre...932/index.html
http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthre...061/index.html

just trying to improve/add metaphores etc, to my rhymes

[Bloodyhands]

alright.. well, first, i'll start with the flow. it was stretched.. off and on.. add some internals, or just improve the rhyme scheme. that will help. the similes were okay, but i think the flow made them less tasteful.. know what i mean? but, good thing is, rhyme schemes are easy as hell to work around..
example:
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxLETHAL INJECTION
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxPEOPLES PROTECTION
^example of yours..

try mixing it up..
example:
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx, xxxxxxxxxxxLETHAL INJECTION
xxxxxxxPEOPLES PROTECTION, xxxxxxxxxxxxEVIL CONNECTION


easy... anyway, i see potential, and your vocab is average. after doing this, you and readers will see a big improvement. i'll be waiting..

[.Nell.]

flow got very choppy in alot of parts, wasnt really any concept behind it, just a bragging verse, no substence to it, you seem to have multis down, couple seemed forced though were the syllable didnt match up of the flow wrecked them, nothing really more to add, bloodyhands said the rest, keep at it