my purpose

[whitesmoke96]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?featur...&v=sAyXzXuRl0g

look in my eyes,
would the size of my
rentinas affect these lines?
noper. just makes these rhymes doper
same with this mind
and so-uh,
imma serenade no masquerades,
masks get spayed when they portrait
portraits, sayin they own Porsches...
poor fools prayin for satan to take they souls
whilst livin in habitats reinforcin'
habits smashin habeas corpus
responsible for mass corpses
my response is "relax, no one told you..
.....
...this is my actual purpose."
nobody notices the bogus system,
no sir, this is the 'muricas!
"free as an eagle, your freedom is perfect"
theyre feedin' your brain bullshit
yo plane is crashin' , an earth bound propulsion
to the ground and you rationalize "it's just turbulence..?"
grease your gears, I see they ain't fuckin turnin'!
they made learnin' a chore so bare your burdens!
scared to learn? that's what makes you
a modern day person.
longer you don't know, shit just worsens..
ponder that you may as well be a toddler.
lemme getcha thinkin',
yea you're drinkin from THEIR freakin' bottle!
sippin' solutions fused with premade problems
gotcha believin' sodomy's a sin
while they buttfuck you in yo wallet
you're too stuck up to see em pick yo pockets
just watch em plead indecency to topless
wouldn't be if the leading industry
wasn't fuckin' Donald's!
auctions are won by the facist dollar..
fact is, big brother has a stick up his ass
only sticks up for his fans,
only kisses when his lips get chapped
shit's wack, twisted as the eighties sisters
i may be crazy, a little off kilter...
but my thinkin' noodle uses a thought filter..

[whitesmoke96]

http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthre...958/index.html

http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthre...000/index.html

[Know-It-All]

only kisses when his lips get chapped
shit's wack, twisted as the eighties sisters
i may be crazy, a little off kilter...
but my thinkin' noodle uses a thought filter..

I like these lines actually the only issue I have with the piece is that your rhyme scheme needs to be improved try using multis and internal rhymes to make it better all in all this piece wasn't that bad. it had decent flow just work on your rhyme scheme and your content and you could be good.

[whitesmoke96]

what do you mean by multis? and any tips for building a better structure/rhyme scheme? i just type it the way id say it so it would sound better coming from my mouth. and thanks im glad you actually picked some lines you liked

[Know-It-All]

what do you mean by multis? and any tips for building a better structure/rhyme scheme? i just type it the way id say it so it would sound better coming from my mouth. and thanks im glad you actually picked some lines you liked

Hit my link for me pleaasssse leave some feedback.


http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthre...var=&p=8423214


A multi is a multiple syllable rhyme instead of rhyming stuff like

take eminiem for an example he is the king of multis and internal rhyme

I'ma be what I set out to be, without a doubt undoubtedly
And all those who look down on me I'm tearing down your balcony


everything bolded are rhymes. the ones in the center are internals and there all multis because there multiple syllables. Structure wise read around the website and see what others are doing. Seriously take your time and write a verse.